The winter of my life

After the Christmas season snow and cold become old hat--especially if you live in an area where a foot of snow over several days is normal. It's no longer pretty. It's a bitter cold inconvenience.

I am always watching the weather so I can prepare for whatever it may bring. Do I need to leave early? Should I cancel my plans? Will my daughter's school be closed tomorrow? 

I am currently in the bitter cold season of my life. Just when things are going okay, side effects flare up, or I get news I wasn't expecting, or lose yet another friend because they can't handle

cancer. It's frigid and dark. 

Just like the regional weather, there are breaks where the sun comes out. I receive a sweet surprise in the mail, I'm able to work a few extra hours at work, my husband reminds me how strong I am, I can go almost a month without pain medication, or like today my Mini Cooper ( my dream car that my husband bought me when I was diagnosis read about it here) accepts every snow challenge and wins! 

I also have to remind myself that winter temporary. Just like this season in my life is temporary. While I will be in treatment for the rest of my life, I will still have a life. Spring will eventually come on the calendar and in my life. 

I don't want to wish my life away into spring. I want to find joy in these winter days. Yes some days are bleak, but it's also one more day closer to beating cancer. It's one more day spent picking up my daughter from school. One more day enjoying my amazing friends at the office. It's one more day to tell my husband I love him. Even though there are hard, bitterly cold days warmth can be found when we choose to find joy. 

My breaking point.

I have to say well dealing with a cancer diagnosis there are certain liberties that you get to take. You get to allow yourself to feel how you want and process the situation as you see fit. Not everyone will react the same and that's okay. Just the word cancer can be too much for some, while others are able to sort through things and keep going. I think I fall on the side of being able to handle things and keep pressing on. I attribute my abilities to my faith. It's nothing of myself.

However even those with great faith still are humans dealing with devastating and uncertain times, which can always bring about the straw that finally breaks the camel's back. 

Mine came in early December. 

I got a call from my daughter's school. She had lice. I was told by the school nurse and later confirmed by my nurse that because I was receiving chemo I could not administer the lice treatment. I was livid. Mostly because the school had been dealing with lice since September and it was now December and it was still a problem.

I needed help. During this particular week, I was dealing with fatigue, joint aches, stage IV cancer, another chemo treatment in a few days among everything else and now lice--which I couldn't treat myself. I called my mother, who was able to come and help. 

When we got home from school, I started bagging animals, even a 5 foot bear--which looked like a hobbit in a body bag. My body was working against me that day. I hurt all over and the overwhelming amount of  all I was dealing with finally broke me. I broke down. I had an ugly cry with my mom as I sat in a sea of stuffed animals. My mom reminded me she was there to help and we would get through this.

My friend even set me a text to point out that I would have a few days to spend with my daughter catching up on our video game play. I wasn't even remotely interested in hearing that. I was focused on the task at hand and very pissed I had to deal with cancer and lice. 

I'm not sure when it came to me, either while I was stripping bed sheets or bagging up Bilbo, but I remembered reading how Corrie ten Boom and her sister were thankful for lice while they were prisoners in a nazi concentration camp in Corrie's book, The Hiding Place.

Betsie ten Boom had reminded Corrie that in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 the bible says, " In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." And that included lice. Later in the book Corrie goes on to tell what part the lice played in God's plan for them. He had a purpose for the lice!

That stung. If Corrie and Betsie can be thankful in a nazi camp for lice, I can be thankful while battling cancer and dealing with lice. 

I prayed. Prayed to have the Lord reveal to me the good things lice would bring just as he did for the ten Boom sisters. I asked him for strength to endure. I asked for encouragement during this rock bottom time.  Peolple had said some hurtful things like at least you are not dealing with 3 kids being sent home with lice. Um yeah. Much rather have three kids with lice than have stage IV cancer as a kid with lice--whom I can't physically treat and must call other people to do the  shampooing. So that just added to my pissed off mood. 

 

God sure delivered. He provided encouragement and strength. My friend sent me amazing slippers. 

My amazing slippers from my amazing friend!

He provided additional one on one time just me and my daughter--which I desire so much. I want to spend as much time with her as a possibly can. Even if it's because I'm taking care of her. 

Normally after chemo I spend it resting, but this time I had to assist in operation lice removal. I found the energy to keep moving when my daughter needed me. 

It took almost a week to finally get rid of those terrible bugs. I even had to enlist the help of my aunt as well.
 

I wish I could have been calmer and in hindsight I can see how I would handle it differently--but I had been pushed to my limit. I think I needed to break in order to learn what God had in store for me that week. I am not sure of all the lessons but I do know it brought me closer to my daughter--and that's priceless. I also learned that God has purpose for everything--even lice.