Bad days

They happen to everyone. A snag in your hose, a crack in your phone screen, kiddo won't listen, dinner's burnt, flat tire--all kinds of things can add up to a bad day.

I have bad days, too. All the normal things that cause a bad day happen to me on top of side effects from chemo and medications, the emotional weight of fighting cancer and the cancer thief lurking in the shadows of my day looking to steal my joy.

The side effects from chemo as well as the steroids and other medications can cause a lot of problems. Anxiousness, difficultly focusing, achy joints, fatigue, upset stomach, loss of appetite, changes in food taste, hair loss, weight gain, gastrointestinal issues, forgetfulness, and many others chemo brain has caused me to forget. No two chemo patients are the same either! What I deal with another patient on the same chemo combo may not. I remember talking to others about the hair loss. They lost it about the second well on chemo. I didn't start losing my hair until my 3rd round of chemo--3 months into treatment. So most days I am dealing with these on top of everything else my day brings.

There are days I can handle the side effects and then there days that I'm so overwhelmed with them I am forced to stop and focus on taking things moment by moment. 

The emotional weight of cancer is incredibly heavy. It's heaviest on the days I don't feel well. My emotions are everywhere. It's like a roller coaster--which is incredibly tiring.

I had a really bad day recently. I was still upset by some hurtful words a distance relative had said to me regarding my chosen treatment (more on things not to say to a cancer patient coming up). I have also been dealing with increased joint pain and fatigue. I did talk to my doctor about it and have learned because the chemo is building up in my body it is getting stronger the side effects are increasing. Emotionally and mentally I have become depressed and drained. I was sad because there are things I have to put on hold or have to say no to because I am just not feeling well. It really sucks when that happens. The little petty things and ignorance seem to be amplified and I do not have patience for.  I also grow increasingly worried in the days leading up to my chemo. I don't know why, but I do. I have learned to make chemo fun so that has helped, but sometimes I can feel myself slip.

My daughter was trying to get ready for a girl scout event and looking for her costume. She had it the night before and was told to hang it up in her closet for the event the next night. Now this is an ongoing battle every parent gets. Telling your kiddos to do something and they don't do it. Of course when that happens, bad things happen. I am trying to be a good mom and not let these things bother me. Taking a deep breath and figure out the best way to handle the situation. Teaching responsibility is an ongoing lesson. I know I didn't handle it the best way on this particular night. I was yelling and upset. My husband was upset. Our daughter was upset. After much searching and calming down, we found what we needed and off she went to her event.

I felt horrible about what happened. If I was not dealing with so much I know I wouldn't have snapped and started yelling. I am tired. I am in pain. I am worried. I am afraid. All the time. These feelings are always in the back of my head for many reasons. I have good days most of the time dealing with these thoughts. I seek the Lord often and talking to him always helps. Reading scriptures and reminding myself that God is with me during this whole ordeal is a huge comfort. However, I do have days where so many things are coming at me I don't have time to stop and seek him. At least it feels like I don't have time stop. That is when things just fall apart.

I think what I would want people to know is that when someone is dealing with cancer they are thinking about a million things all that once. It may not seem like they are, but they are. I know for me in the back of my mind I worry about being here to watch my little girl grow up and being there for her. I worry about growing old with my husband and completing all the things we have talked about since we first got together. I have a bucket list I want to complete. I worry about the medications--are they working? How much longer will I be in treatment? I worry about the cancer. Every new pain or weird feeling makes worry about the cancer spreading or the medication is not working. I worry about if there will come a time in my treatment if I have to quit my job. So far I am doing okay, but if my pain is increasing will that mean I can't work? I surely hope not because work is so important to me. It helps me so much for so many reasons. I will do what ever I need to continue, but the worry is still in the back of my mind. I worry about the stupid things people have said to me. Trying to figure out why they do not think about they are saying to me. Yes, I need to move on, but when you are already feeling horrible, you remember those stupid things. I worry about money. I worry about our insurance changing after the contract is up. I worry about my diet. Chemo has changed my appetite so much and the doctors just want me to eat what I can and when I can. But I worry. I worry about after chemo. Will I need to have surgery? What are my options? Is there an option I can't have? I am sure I worry about other things. These are not the same worries for everyone going through cancer.

Most days I refuse to entertain these thoughts. I stop and pray or just figure out that I will deal with it when it comes up again, or in regards to stupid people kick them off cancer island. I remind myself of facts like my liver doing well and the blood tests showing the chemo is working. I remind of myself of other survivors I know that had stage IV cancer and have been in remission for many years. I also remind myself of stories of women on the same chemo and doing exceptionally well and cancer free.

The days I feel depressed and the weight of everything is just too much and the bad day happens, I remind myself of the reality of cancer. I am not yelling or a drama lama every day. I am dealing with cancer AND trying find a new normal. If I was yelling or a drama lama without cancer, then that would be a problem. I let myself get it out and then pick up the pieces. Cry out to God. Talk to my husband about my concerns and worries--he is a cheerleader for me. He helps me focus on the positive. I cuddle with my favorite little girl. I remind myself how far I have come in my journey. I also remind myself that I have stage IV cancer and I am allowed to have a bad day.

 

Working through cancer

When I was told I had cancer, one of the questions I asked my nurse was, "Will I be able to work?"

My nurse told me that it would be up to me and how I felt. She said some work part time others continued to work full time. She said they encourage the patient to try work if they are physically able.

I hadn't been working at my job very long when I found out I had cancer. I was so excited about my work and the company I was working for. The idea that I would have to give it up just crushed me. I love what I do. It's perfect for where I am at in my life. The people I work with are incredible and just like family. I was hopeful that I would be able to try and make it work as long as possible--as long as the company would allow me. My world as I knew it was crumbling around me and work was giving me a degree of normalcy I needed to maintain my sanity. I had accepted that there may come a time we may need to part ways, but remained hopeful.

I prayed about it and gave it to God. I knew He would provide for my family regardless. But I still wanted to work. I wanted God to answer in what I thought was best. Silly, maybe, but I did.

I know some think I am crazy to work. I have just been told I have cancer and running around with tons of tests and appointments and I still want to work. I have been told I needed to quit my job and stay home. (more on the stupid things people say in another entry) But what it came down to was that I refused, from the beginning, to allow cancer to control my life. I have cancer, but it does NOT have me.

Over the three weeks of crazy appointments and tests my company came to an agreement about my time with them. I would work when I can, for as many as hours as I can and resolve to kick cancer's butt. 

I am still humbled and overwhelmed when I think about it. They could have choosen another alternative, but instead they wanted to help me fight this battle. I already loved my company, but I love them more now.

How about I just call out my workmates on their amazingness? They had polo shirts (because hey, we work in an office and need to look professional) made with Team Mimzy on them to wear on treatment days. A co-worker and his dear wife have offered their ears and shoulders (and video game suggestions)as often as I need because they have had the unfortunate knowledge of dealing with cancer with loved ones. One co-worker came to bring me good coffee during a chemo treatment. They send me texts and keep me encouraged. I could go on and on. They are an amazing crew.

I am truly blessed. Truly, truly blessed. I can say with complete faith and belief that God had a hand in orchestrating my employement with this company because He already knew how much I would need them in the fight. He knew the people I would work with would become dear friends--which I am daily thankful for.

But how do I work? What about the aches and pains? What about the fatigue? What about the icky side effects of chemo? 

Strong will. Seriously. I flat out refuse to let cancer rule my life. I know my limitations and I honor them. I know that most days I can work roughly about 4.5 hours at the office. There have been days that I can not make it 3 hours. Just this week, I had a rough first day back after chemo and tried to work through it, but I could not. I had to go home and rest. I just let my boss know and she understood. I went home and rested. Some days I feel "new normal" and I can work 5 hours. It depends on the day and what the work at the office has for me. 

If I am up and moving around, on the phone, dealing with a consumer, etc. my mind isn't focused on the cancer and my achey joints, it's focused on work. If I need to take a 10 minute break, I do that, too. I have medications I can take, some over the counter that help minimize the side effects and keep me going. 

I also am able to rest when I come home. It gives me time relax before my family arrives home so I'm ready for them.

Working helps me keep going. I would go crazy if I had to remain at home all day everyday. It's therapy in a way. 

I know every person is different and working during chemo is not always an option. But I encourage those that feel up to it, to at least try a few hours a week if you can. 

No more bad hair days

One of the side effects of chemo is painful hair. It feels like someone is pulling on your hair or you have left your hair in a ponytail too long. It didn't start getting really bad until after my second round of chemo. I still have my hair. I had gotten it cut short in prep for chemo with the idea it would most likely fall out.

Instead, my hair grew. It's normally thick and I believe the hair growth was possibly weighing my hair down and causing the painful "pulling" feeling. My solution? Buzz it off. No more hair pain. I love it. My hair may eventually fall out and eventually will grow back. I have one less problem now. And I think I totally rock the buzz cut.

I only got to rock the buzz cut for a short time. Just a few days before my 3rd of chemo I noticed my scalp was becoming increasingly itchy and hair was falling out. During my chemo rest weekend, even more started falling out. Now I have always had thick hair, so I am sure this hair falling out thing it going to take awhile. It doesn't even look like much has fallen out but believe me, it 

And even more has fallen out. Every time I touch my head or wear a hat or scarf, more falls out. 

Watch out Daddy Warbucks! 

Those that can't walk with us

Hearing you have cancer is devastating. It turns your world upside down. Those of us that are walking down the cancer road, we need people that we can count on to be there for us. We need those that will help us with the daily struggles as well as encourage us during the bigger, tougher days.

Sadly not everyone in our lives is going to be able to step up and be there for us. It hurts. It hurts a lot. People that we once called a friend or thought the world of is unable to be there when we need them most. We are fighting for our lives and they can't be there. They may have said hurtful, immature things that show they are unable to understand the magnitude of what cancer means. It's painful.

Part of the pain might come from because we know how we would react to hearing a friend or loved one has been diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps we have. Perhaps we supported these same people during their times of struggle and expected the same in return now? We can't let their actions change our response when we are faced the choice to help someone in the future. Perhaps this lesson will help remind us how it feels to be abandoned by someone we thought cared and we will do what we can to show our loved on we are with them every step of the way.

How did I move forward? Acceptance.

It is still painful and hurtful, but I am learning to accept their choice to walk away and choose to not be there for me. I am learning to accept that some people are not mature enough to handle something as big as cancer. I am learning to accept that some people can not be counted on when you need them most.

We must remember they made the choice. They are the ones that walked away or where hurtful when we needed them. That rests on them. Something they will reflect back on. My friend had cancer and I wasn't there.

Yes, it hurts when those we thought would help us though a trial would be there, but acceptance is the only way to move on.

When my mind wants to set up camp with the hurt I feel I remember, acceptance. I focus on those that have stepped up to be there for me. For everyone that has chosen not be there, I have several more that have. Friends that I have known for less than year, sisters in breast cancer and sisters that have battled other types of cancer, Whovians, my dear family--even those I have only met recently via facebook, my amazing workmates, and so many others that said I don't have to fight this battle alone. My dear cousins' son even dedicated his most recent race to me and got his best time! How can I not feel loved? How can I dwell on those that don't want to be apart of this amazing testimony of God's work in my life?

Team Mimzy has made it very clear that they care about me. This struggle isn't just mine alone. It has effected them, too. They have made a choice. They have chosen to fight with me and on days I am too tired to fight myself or have to rest from chemo, they fight on my behalf.

I couldn't be at the walk this weekend, but my teammates were. I'm blessed. 

Treatment Update!

On Friday I was told incredible news!! My blood count was normal, but also my blood work for my liver was also normal!! I will be scheduled for a scan to see how my treatment is working on the rest of my body soon. Thank you so much for your prayers!!

My Rock and Refuge

From day one I have never questioned God and asked why me. Why not me? The bible tells us in Matthew 5:45 that it rains on the just and the unjust ("That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."). We live in a fallen world and I'm not exempt from bad things happening to me. I think of Job and how God allowed the bad things to happen to test Job's faith.  I firmly believe God is with me through this. It did not catch him by surprise like it did me. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."  When I was 3 years old I was hit by a motorcycle. I remember Jesus being with me then. He kept me safe until it was time for me to be returned to my parents. The doctors claimed it was a miracle I survived. It was.a miracle. While I'm not sure of all the details in his plan, I am certain of a few. I am sure he wants me to share my faith and how it is giving me strength to fight this fight. I seek Jesus in the wee hours of the morning with tears streaming down my face asking him to supply courage and grace to face another day. I find encouragement in his word and hymns that I have grown up with. It keeps me calm. People have often commented on my smile during this battle. That's God's matchless grace. Each day I have a choice. I can choose joy or choose to be bitter. I choose joy. I choose to find the glad in the bad. It is my faith in God that helps me and sustains me during this battle. 

As we face trials, finding a refuge in the midst of the chaos is a must. I respect others choosing other things, but for me I can without a doubt cast my cares to the one that cares for me and trust in his plan for my life. "The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower." Psalm 18:2