My mission in REMISSION!

I couldn't wait for the results so I called to see if I could get in sooner. Sure enough they got me in the day after I called.

The night before my appointment I had a very vivid dream in which my deceased grandfather came to visit me. No one else could see him but me. He told me he was there because he knew I needed him. He told me he was proud of my faith and that is what would give me strength. He told me to keep believing and stay grounded in my faith. Just like he would when he was here on earth, he told me everything was going to turn out alright.He held my hand until it was time for him to go. The odd thing is it felt very real, more like I was half sleeping and half dreaming when this happened.

I needed that visit from him. I needed that encouragement. I truly do trust God with this battle with cancer, even when I am anxious or scared. Something deep inside of me refuses to give up the faith. From the very beginning God has asked me to trust him. So I have.

Getting my results was another test of faith. The nurse came in and took my vitals and left. I told God I trust him. He knows the results and he has a plan. I trust his plan regardless of the outcome.

The doctor came in. This was it!


I AM IN REMISSION!!!!! The chemo combo had worked! I still will receive infusion therapies of Herceptin and prejeta until the doctor says otherwise. I have started the infamous tamoxifen--which I have learned I can't take it at night or I end up with a Netflix marathon. I have noticed an increase of joint pain. I am taking triple strength glucosamine twice a day to hopefully help with this. Until I get enough in my system, I take some pain meds when it's unbearable. My energy is still zapped from chemo and more than likely from the med change. Hopefully my energy will begin to increase so I can also start working on this terrible weight gain from the steroids and chemo. I have been told to ease into my new normal because the chemo is still in my body and will be for a while. I will eventually get my energy back--yay! But I am alive!

The day before I got my results a friend had shared with me something her pastor told her. He had said that cancer was the pathway God chose for her to share his love and her faith. I believe that to be true for me as well. He is not finished with me yet.


February 3, 2015---The day I beat cancer!

Answered prayer

In the beginning of all this craziness, I lost a lot friends because they couldn't handle the cancer. Some were just not mature enough to understand the weight of what cancer is, some just walked away, and some well I had to walk away because they were too negative. And negative people give me hives. 

There was one person in perticular I was upset over losing. Mostly because they claimed we were such good friends and had offered to help. They never made good on their offers. Well sort of. Their offers came with odd conditions and just not helpful for someone running back and forth from radiation, doctor appointments and trying to work. They also just said hurtful things and I couldn't take it anymore. 

But as I have learned in my experience God always has a better plan. He often prunes us and our lives to remove the "dead branches" so we can grow to become better people. It's a process that is always for our good and His glory. It's often painful and can be hard to deal with when we are being "pruned". 

However when God removes something, He usually replaces it with something much better. It's not always the same thing, it may be in the form of more time with our loved ones or an opportunity we might not of otherwise had. 

God knew I would get cancer. He allowed it to happen--while I don't know all the reasons why, I'm learning what some are. One lesson is removing people from my life that were no longer part of His plan for me. God also knew the people I would need to keep me encouraged--especially on a daily basis. He knew I needed a good friend that would let me be myself--warts and all. He knew I would need someone that would be able to be there when I would need someone the most. 

I was still feeling a tad bit bitter about the good friend I had lost over this. I was sad I didn't have a "good friend" that was helping me through this. Then it hit me. I did! 

This person has been a huge cheerleader for me. They have orchestrated different surprises that mean so much to me. They broke some rules trying to bring me good coffee during chemo. They always offer to help me in some way when they see me struggling with different things. Always willing to hug me! Can tell I'm having a rough go and even tell when I'm not. They have even gone out of their way to show me support. 

I am truly blessed they are in my life. God placed them right when I needed them. Had he not "pruned" the other person there would not have been room for them. It makes sense now. I am able to move forward and be thankful for another answer to prayer--the much needed friend to help me through this. 

I don't know what I would do without them. 

I don't know what I'd do without the members of my team. Those that I know I can count on and have encouraged me in some way through this have done so much to help me. I'm truly blessed. 

With a little help from my friends

 

My personality very much aligns with my birth sign. I saw this and it was fitting for what I am going through right now. I hate asking for help for many reasons. In my experience I have been let down from people that said they would help and did not. I have experienced those that offered to help and when I took them up on it did it begrudgingly. I have experienced the rare times when people really do want to help and are happy to do so! I also have hard time asking for help when I do need it because I don't want to inconvenience anyone nor do I want to appear weak or entitled.

 

I have learned since my cancer battle began, asking and accepting help is something I have been working on. I am nowhere near where I could be, but I am getting better. I also keep telling myself if there is one time in your life to accept help, getting cancer is it!

 

I live in a very snow-heavy area. It's not so bad when the roads are plowed and those you depend on to plow your driveway actually do it. Last week we got more snow. Which lead to our side street being pretty well covered and a mess in my driveway. My mini, the beast she is, made it through the streets, but just as I turned into my driveway, my passenger side tire got stuck in huge pile of snow. I cried. I tried to get my mini out myself and used a shovel--I have already been told never do that again by loved ones, so I won't--and cried so more. Cue The Beatles, "Help".

 

I posted my lot on Facebook. Sure enough I got a call from a friend offering to help. Ugh. Now what. I need help. But I don't want to inconvenience anyone, nor did I want anyone to get stuck on our unplowed neck of the woods. Being the awesome friends they are, they didn't listen to me when I said I would wait for my husband. They told me they were coming over to help. Shoveled my driveway, and pushed my roller skate car out of the snow. I was able to tuck the Mimzy Mobile into her garage.

 

I think for me the "just do it" approach is easier to handle. I need help and friends want to help me. This way I can't say no! Smart on their part! LOL

 

I was also told just before going into chemo, accepting help is allowing others to be a blessing to me. If I don't let them help, I am stealing that opportunity from them. I try to remember that. I don't want to steal that experience from someone. I can also imagine Jesus saying to me, you needed help and I sent all these people and you told them no! Yeah, like I said I am a work in progress. And hopefully when I get my strength back (think remission!) I will be able to help others like so many have helped me.

 

 

The winter of my life

After the Christmas season snow and cold become old hat--especially if you live in an area where a foot of snow over several days is normal. It's no longer pretty. It's a bitter cold inconvenience.

I am always watching the weather so I can prepare for whatever it may bring. Do I need to leave early? Should I cancel my plans? Will my daughter's school be closed tomorrow? 

I am currently in the bitter cold season of my life. Just when things are going okay, side effects flare up, or I get news I wasn't expecting, or lose yet another friend because they can't handle

cancer. It's frigid and dark. 

Just like the regional weather, there are breaks where the sun comes out. I receive a sweet surprise in the mail, I'm able to work a few extra hours at work, my husband reminds me how strong I am, I can go almost a month without pain medication, or like today my Mini Cooper ( my dream car that my husband bought me when I was diagnosis read about it here) accepts every snow challenge and wins! 

I also have to remind myself that winter temporary. Just like this season in my life is temporary. While I will be in treatment for the rest of my life, I will still have a life. Spring will eventually come on the calendar and in my life. 

I don't want to wish my life away into spring. I want to find joy in these winter days. Yes some days are bleak, but it's also one more day closer to beating cancer. It's one more day spent picking up my daughter from school. One more day enjoying my amazing friends at the office. It's one more day to tell my husband I love him. Even though there are hard, bitterly cold days warmth can be found when we choose to find joy. 

My breaking point.

I have to say well dealing with a cancer diagnosis there are certain liberties that you get to take. You get to allow yourself to feel how you want and process the situation as you see fit. Not everyone will react the same and that's okay. Just the word cancer can be too much for some, while others are able to sort through things and keep going. I think I fall on the side of being able to handle things and keep pressing on. I attribute my abilities to my faith. It's nothing of myself.

However even those with great faith still are humans dealing with devastating and uncertain times, which can always bring about the straw that finally breaks the camel's back. 

Mine came in early December. 

I got a call from my daughter's school. She had lice. I was told by the school nurse and later confirmed by my nurse that because I was receiving chemo I could not administer the lice treatment. I was livid. Mostly because the school had been dealing with lice since September and it was now December and it was still a problem.

I needed help. During this particular week, I was dealing with fatigue, joint aches, stage IV cancer, another chemo treatment in a few days among everything else and now lice--which I couldn't treat myself. I called my mother, who was able to come and help. 

When we got home from school, I started bagging animals, even a 5 foot bear--which looked like a hobbit in a body bag. My body was working against me that day. I hurt all over and the overwhelming amount of  all I was dealing with finally broke me. I broke down. I had an ugly cry with my mom as I sat in a sea of stuffed animals. My mom reminded me she was there to help and we would get through this.

My friend even set me a text to point out that I would have a few days to spend with my daughter catching up on our video game play. I wasn't even remotely interested in hearing that. I was focused on the task at hand and very pissed I had to deal with cancer and lice. 

I'm not sure when it came to me, either while I was stripping bed sheets or bagging up Bilbo, but I remembered reading how Corrie ten Boom and her sister were thankful for lice while they were prisoners in a nazi concentration camp in Corrie's book, The Hiding Place.

Betsie ten Boom had reminded Corrie that in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 the bible says, " In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." And that included lice. Later in the book Corrie goes on to tell what part the lice played in God's plan for them. He had a purpose for the lice!

That stung. If Corrie and Betsie can be thankful in a nazi camp for lice, I can be thankful while battling cancer and dealing with lice. 

I prayed. Prayed to have the Lord reveal to me the good things lice would bring just as he did for the ten Boom sisters. I asked him for strength to endure. I asked for encouragement during this rock bottom time.  Peolple had said some hurtful things like at least you are not dealing with 3 kids being sent home with lice. Um yeah. Much rather have three kids with lice than have stage IV cancer as a kid with lice--whom I can't physically treat and must call other people to do the  shampooing. So that just added to my pissed off mood. 

 

God sure delivered. He provided encouragement and strength. My friend sent me amazing slippers. 

My amazing slippers from my amazing friend!

He provided additional one on one time just me and my daughter--which I desire so much. I want to spend as much time with her as a possibly can. Even if it's because I'm taking care of her. 

Normally after chemo I spend it resting, but this time I had to assist in operation lice removal. I found the energy to keep moving when my daughter needed me. 

It took almost a week to finally get rid of those terrible bugs. I even had to enlist the help of my aunt as well.
 

I wish I could have been calmer and in hindsight I can see how I would handle it differently--but I had been pushed to my limit. I think I needed to break in order to learn what God had in store for me that week. I am not sure of all the lessons but I do know it brought me closer to my daughter--and that's priceless. I also learned that God has purpose for everything--even lice.

Happy Birthday!

Birthdays were always special in my family growing up. Traditions included picking dinner from wherever you wanted, a cake decorated with your favorite cake flavor and frosting, presents and lots of love. I always looked forward to my birthday. I still look forward to my birthday.  I like to start the celebration early--by several days.

Because my birthday falls early enough in the month, I never got the combined Christmas/Birthday celebration present. I know some of my fellow December birthday buddies have not always been so lucky. No one should have to endure a combined present.

This year is even more special than any other birthday. Back in July when I was first diagnosed, I wasn't sure how many more I would have. I still don't know for sure how many I will have. Life is so precious. When you are faced with your own mortality, the everyday is cause for celebration. Special occasions, like birthdays, are worth the extra the hoopla. I look forward to turning another year older. So many have been robbed of this because of cancer. I am so thankful I have been given more time and another birthday to celebrate. When I blow the 35 candles out on my cake this upcoming Saturday, I will wish for a cure for all cancers.

Celebrate the everyday. Tell those you love you love them. Forgive. Move forward. Do good. And eat cake! Lots and lots of cake!

Thankful

I was talking today with a friend at work about life as child. We talked about how easy being a kid can be. Your days are pretty routine with no real responsibilities like bills and a job. We talked about how we would look forward to holiday breaks and family meals. I can easily remember what my life was like when I was my daughter's age. I even remember making my first paper snowflake with glitter in my first grade class! We probably made them closer to the first day of winter, but I still remember.

I can guess the things I would have said I was thankful for when I was 6. My parents would have topped the list, followed by my favorite toys and popcorn. I know I would have mentioned the Macy's parade. It was something my dad and I would watch partly together until we needed to leave for dinner. Someone would have suggested my 4 year-old brother and I would have rolled my eyes and probably said something snarky under my breath. I know the Thanksgiving holiday would have been spent at one of my grandparent's houses with all my cousins, aunts and uncles. The ladies making amazing things happen in the kitchen and catching up on family news. The men gathered around the television watching a football game or some kind of pre-game show. Cousins all over playing games and making noise. As think of it now, I can hear my grandmother laughing in the kitchen as my mother recants a story of something I or my brother probably did. Embarrassed then, but proud now that we could give her something to laugh about. I would love to just go back in time to drink in the love, laughter and warmth spent at those past family gatherings around the table--even the kids table.

Over the years traditions and times have changed. People have moved farther away and now have families of their own. It makes it harder to continue the same routines I grew up with. For my little family of three we started our own little Thanksgiving tradition and included my parents in on it. I love cooking Thanksgiving food, especially the turkey and gravy.  I know others have anxiety of cooking such a huge bird, but I live for it! I love talking to others on how they brine and cook theirs.
We had few dinners that we invited friends and their kiddos to join us.  There have been a few years we have celebrated with my father-in-law and his dear girlfriend and her family. All have been full of love, laughter and warmth.

This summer brought so much unknown to us. My husband tore his ACL and meniscus and ended up having to have surgery. I started a new job that included being on call during holidays. And then the worst happened. I was diagnosed with cancer. I went for the gold on that, too. I skipped the early stage and went straight to stage IV. (Stage IV means is has metastasized/spread to other areas of the body) During those late summer days I wasn't thinking about making a turkey. I was thinking, "will I be here to celebrate?" I had no idea how my life would play out over the next four months after my initial diagnosis. I knew what my nurse (which one of these days will get her own entry on my blog because she is incredible and everyone should know about her) kept telling me about the chemo combo for my triple positive cancer. Even knowing the science facts, everyone body responds uniquely to treatment.

The day my doctor told me my labs showed my liver blood test was normal I was on cloud nine. It was a small indicator things were headed in the right direction. But I still needed the CT scan and I was nervous what it would reveal.

Today as I replay the scan results in my head I still tear up. NO CANCER FOUND. 4 rounds of chemo, 10 radiation treatments, prayer, tears, worry, fighting and NO CANCER FOUND. I can easily tell you a million and one reasons why I am thankful this year. I am bummed I can't make the turkey, but I am okay with that.

This battle with cancer has opened my eyes to what is really important. It has honed in what truly matters in this world. I have been able to cut out so much negative and petty things. I don't take anything for granted like I used to. Everything is precious. I am not in such a rush. I also don't put up with crap either.

It has also shown me that Thanksgiving and calling into remembrance what I am thankful for is not a once a year event. For me, Thanksgiving is everyday. I am thankful everyday for amazing blessings that fall from Heaven. I am grateful for the small events that take place daily.  I could easily list a million and one things that I am thankful for and not double up.

While I don't see cancer as a blessing, I am thankful to the wake-up call that came with it. I can now really live and truly be thankful.