There is hope!

Tonight I sit on my big comfy couch with my lovely cat named Mildred Hubble (extra points if you know where that name comes from!). I am starting to feel my pain medicine kick in. It is my evening routine after a long day. My joints always ache, some days are good and I can bear it and other days, like tonight, I need a little bit of help. The achy joints are a side effect to having had chemo and the medications I take. But I will continue to take them since I can handle the side effects, even if I need a little bit of help. But this is my life, after cancer.

Thanks to our ever-growing instant media, I am able to just click or tap and view videos and stories of all sorts. Sometimes it’s great like when severe weather happens—which also happened this afternoon. Sometimes it can lead to connecting to great friends and what is happening in their lives. It can also keep me informed by various bloggers that are also living in Cancer World. This can also be a good thing because some of the bloggers are very amazing supporters for others with cancer—kinda like surrogate big sisters and take you under their wings and help you navigate this curse. They can provide information that sometimes is not covered in the info you get at the doctors or new info about medications and treatments that are now available. They also share their stories or stories of others—helping establish a connection that we are not in this alone. Because they know those of us on Cancer Island often feel like we are alone. With that said, sometimes bloggers provide information that is not entirely true and sometimes only one example of various possible outcomes. I don’t think they mean any ill will or that they purposely do it to scare an audience that is already scared. I truly believe they are trying to bring awareness to an issue so others that may not know exists. Reading articles or stories that don’t reflect my situation and have a strong heartbreaking end leave me feeling fearful and the “what ifs” start.

I find myself uttering all kinds of things upon reading these types blogs, posts and viewing videos. It fuels my desire to share my story. I want other people to know that there is a possibility to have stage IV cancer, go through treatment and work, and go into remission. It is possible to become part of a new population of people that live with cancer as a chronic illness. It is possible to live a long life even after you have been told you have metastatic cancer. I wish will all my heart that this would be true for everyone that hears the words “the cancer had spread.” I want other people to have hope. I want other people to know that even with a cancer diagnosis you can still trust God. It’s hard, but possible. I want other people to have the courage to stand up for themselves and live the life they want. So if they want an ice cold beer on a hot day, then by all means have that beer. My hope and prayers are that as we continue to research for a cure, more treatments will become available and cancer will become treatable for everyone and then finally a cure is discovered. What a glorious day that will be!

I was feeling sad earlier because I haven’t been able to really share my story. I have shared it among my friends and family and they have shared it, too. But I feel like it isn’t enough. If I was newly diagnosed, especially like I was with stage IV right out of the gate, some of the stuff I find online would scare me and I would be living in fear during the whole ordeal. My concern is that there is a young mother out there that doesn’t know that her cancer might be the one they can treat. No, there is no cure. But it is treatable and she can live a long life. She can watch her kiddo grow up and grow old with her spouse. I wish I had found a story like that when I was diagnosed to help give me hope. Because let me tell you I only found ONE story that was even remotely like mine.

I feel like I am not doing enough to spread my story. I was feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had the time to blog more often or make videos. (I am planning to make a video—so stay tuned for that!) And as I cried out to God, He reminded me that I am spreading my story and that I will have many, many chances to share my faith and what I have been through. He reminded me one of the best ways to share my story is to LIVE. The women that came before me and volunteered for those clinical trials for the treatments that have put me into remission would want me to LIVE. By going to my daughter’s softball games, watching the Pirates on the telly with my husband, going to work Monday through Friday, being a friend and living the everyday life I am sharing my story. He reminded me of a conversation I had with another mom earlier in the week. I mentioned that I couldn’t help with an activity my daughter was involved in during the school year due the treatment I was receiving. The mom asked what type of treatment. I shared, but tried not to over share because I didn’t want to scare her. She was amazed that treatments have come so far. It’s not by chance that I got to share my story, perhaps she will share my story with someone that needs hope.

I am looking forward to being able to share more and do more for spreading the message of what metastatic cancer is and how treatments can improve the lives of those diagnosed. But for now, I am going to try and be content with sharing my story by LIVING my life unapologetically.

 

 

 

God listens to the little prayers

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Several years ago a friend of mine at the time told me a story that her mother had told her. When her mother was little girl she really wanted a bike for Christmas. With her childlike faith she took her request to God. She prayed and prayed for a bike. Christmas morning came. She went downstairs excited to see if God had answered her prayer and sure enough He did! There was a bike with her name on it. But, the problem was the bike was in a color she detested. My friend's mother learned her lesson of being as specific as possible when praying.

About a year ago I started looking for a pair of cowboy boots. I really wanted a pair. In fact, I have always wanted a pair. Anytime I went to a yard sale, resale shop or even a regular store I would look. I might find a pair, but they were not my size or they were too goofy looking and now cowboy would wear them.

Among my many prayers this past year, my husband's health, my health, I even threw in a pair of cowboy boots. But remembering the lesson my friend's mom had learned, I was specific. I wanted a pair of cowboy boots that were a dark brown, that were used (my poor feet can't take breaking in a new pair) and $5 or under.

I have continued look, even online. I could not find the right pair.

God has a way with me. He likes to make me wait and show me He is listening. I am sure so that I continue to build my faith and trust with Him. I believe this is something that is available to everyone, if we choose to believe and trust Him. And so, I continued to trust that if God wanted to provide those cowboy boots, that looked right, my size, used and for the price, He would.

My amazing workmates decided to have a "team building" activity and go to our favorite resale shop where most things are a quarter or otherwise marked (still prices that make you feel like you are stealing).  When I pulled into the parking lot, I said aloud, "Well God, if today's the day, I am sure you have already placed those boots inside." I got a calm feeling that I would find those boots I have been praying for.


As my friends and I were waiting, we befriended another lady--whose mom is a 25-year breast cancer survivor! She did share that her sister had passed away last year because the cancer had spread everywhere and there was no hope for her. I shared my story and she was happy I am in remission.

We had a blast finding some amazing deals! One of friends even found a Beatles shirt to add to my ever-growing collection. (I started out wearing them to my chemo appointments and now where them to my infusions.) I continued to find some great steals. I went over to where they showcase the shoes and did not see any boots. I was a little sad, but thought I have not looked at the specialized section.


I went over to the special section and ran into a woman we had talked to outside. She had found some great deals, too. In the corner she was looking at a few pairs of cowboy boots. I looked over at them and told her they were really cute! And noticed they were $5. She said they didn't fit her they were too tight on her feet. I asked what size they were. She said they were a size 9 but did not fit like a 9. I figured what the hell.

I took of my green Chuck Taylor and slipped my foot into the boot.

It fit.

I nearly cried. I whispered a Thank You to my creator for my boots.

Those boots where exactly what I prayed for. God heard my prayer and answered it in His time. I wanted to share this story because sometimes we forget that God wants to provide those little things for us, too. He has not failed answering my prayers for my husband and my health and He continues to listen and answer prayers in little things like a pair of cowboy boots.

You can take the girl out of the country, but can't take the country out of girl! Yee haw!

There is a purpose for my pain

Recently I had a slight scare. Well let me be honest, when you have stage IV cancer any new ache or pain can cause shear panic. My new pain was this pinching under the rib cage. It started on my left and then started on my right side as well. Called my nurse and they have ordered a bone scan. It could be nothing but if it cancer I'll be having radiation. 

I just got the NED news. I just celebrated remission! 

Could I learn the lesson some other way? Sure. But I have come to realize I'm not the only student in class. Everyone that hears my story also hears about my faith. They also hear about the lessons I'm learning. They, too are impacted. 

I know for me hearing another's testimony when they were facing a trial always makes some impact for God in my life. It could be the verse they clung to or sharing the power of God as he brought them through devastation. Maybe the Holy Spirit reminds me of their testimony when I'm facing a similar struggle. Their testimony teaches me--not as they were taught--but as another way for God to reach me and build my faith.

I believe that's part of His plan for me now. Not only is He strengthening my relationship with him and growing my faith, he is also reaching out to others.

A sweet cousin of mine told me my faith encourages her in her walk and when she has had to face a few bumps lately. I was humbled. My faith? When Jesus used the term "ye of little faith" I swear he said it for my sake. There are days that I only have a "little faith" and sometimes it's half of a mustard seed--but it's still there. God has used circumstances in my life to help bring about my ability to trust him. It all comes back to him. So when my cousin shared that with me I reminded her it's all God. I'm just the vessel he has chosen to use to encourage others so they can see him. 

I made the choice to trust him. He had brought me this far. He has the power to do anything. 

While I was getting my bone scan, my tech shared with me he had just learned he has malignant lymphoma. I cried on the scan table for him. We had just had a candid discussion about Bog boots and if I thought his daughter would like them. He has a baby (no matter what age our kids will always be our babies), too! I knew God ordained this meeting. Why would he just open up to a complete stranger? I prayed for the words to say. 

I think when you are going through something like cancer, encouragement from someone that's been in the trenches means just a bit more. The tech even called me his "brother in arms". I know without my experience, I could have never encouraged this man, this father, this husband and whatever others roles he plays. 

I am being used by God to help others. My pain and anguish can be used by God and He can turn it in to hope and encouragement. We can be the vessels he uses to help others find joy during a trial. 

I'm blessed and humbled to be apart of his plan. 

Diagnosis: Internet overload

I'm going to preface this with--this based on my personal opinion and my personal experience with cancer. I will not debate this topic at all. If you disagree, that's fine, but you'll have to find somebody else to tell. We all have a story and if you have cancer, a cancer story. You get to tell your story your way and I get to tell it mine. I would never personally debate you on your opinion or choices you made for your cancer journey. I expect the same in return. 

Ah the internet! Full of such wonders! Sometimes. When I was first diagnosed and against my doctors' advice I read whatever I could find. That included personal blogs, Facebook pages and websites.  I was looking for hope and personal stories. I did find a few. But there is a catch with those pages and blogs. Opinion and cancer is not a one size fits all disease. What happened to them may not happen to you. Sometimes the writer will pepper it with stats but not always with details. They may give a survival rate, but leave out what type of cancer and the sub type.  They might write about someone saying a person  died of breast cancer--what kind? What were the receptors? What treatment did they have? Or maybe the person had cancer but actually dies from something else--a complication that may have came about because of the cancer but not from the cancer. There are many variables to consider. Not every writer includes this because let's face it, not everyone would understand those details unless you have been through it. And even then not always.

The writer may also been trying to bring awareness to a topic and to drive home a point--cancer causes death-- and will quote stats that reflect this. Now with the recent options that are now available there are not a lot of known stats on how patients are doing on those drugs--so those other stats may not accurately reflect the new medications. Another thing I would like to point out is that there is always that small percent that does get the good news.  I have only come across one of those blogs. One. Why? Who knows. Maybe because the new meds don't have enough studies yet? But they are out there.

The thing is when I'm reading another post or blog about someone with my cancer dying and the author stating it's just a matter of time for me until I die messes with my head. I know the poster is trying to bring awareness to a cancer that's under funded (yes, metastatic breast cancer is underfunded contrary to what the month of October tells you).  But I often feel like I'm being told over and over "you're gonna die" and it's "soon". 

However, there are new treatments for mets patients. There are patients that do end up in remission. There are patients that live a very long time with mets. No they are not cured but they are treatable. 

So when I'm bombarded with blogs and posts about mets taking another life or death is knocking at my door, I look at my young child and husband and cry. Then I freak out. I go into a depression. A deep depression. It's like everywhere I turn the grim reaper is at my side! And according to some of these bloggers, he is! Leaving me gripped with fear! Am I next? How long do in I have?!

I can't live my life like that. I want to read about that small percentage that against the odds is thriving. I want to hear postive stories. Yes the reality can be depressing, but there are people in remission--who have had treatment that worked for them. Thankfully, I am one of them! Let's give hope where it's needed.

I don't need another reminder that I'm going to die. I don't need the cancer shadow stealing my joy. I need hope that I can live a long and fulfilling life regardless of cancer.

Frozen

Ah yes by now everyone knows of the movie "Frozen". But this is entry is about feeling frozen. And I'm going to use a different movie (or book for my book readers) as an example.

There is a scene in the Twilight series (save your groans) where Bella (human) and Rosalie (vampire) are discussing their desires for the future. Rosalie opens up about the life she had wanted before becoming a vampire and even tells Bella how she envies her human status. She explains that vampires are frozen in time never moving forward. 

I feel like that while in remission. Yes, I am moving on with my life and living as normally as I can. I'm still limited because I'm still dealing with chemo side effects, I'm still on a schedule for my maintaince infusions, and sadly I'm worried I'm getting a head of myself. And of course every new pain feels like a possible setback and brings worry. The later is what I'm currently dealing with. Facing a bone scan next week and those test also bring on a set of anxieties. 

Before I had cancer I thought once a person was told they have no evidence of disease or they are in remission, they were done with the cancer dance. Um, yeah. Not at all true. Well, there maybe someone out there that happens for because anything is possible. 

No magic wand was waved and I had my previous life back. Instead, I'm battling fatigue and joint aches that have increased from my new meds. I'm dealing with a huge weight gain from chemo. I'm also still wrapping my head around having cancer let alone this new phase. I'm also battling the fear monster of cancer coming back. 

A dear cousin and pastor pointed out it's in these times satan likes to rear his ugly head to try and knock us down. He is very spot on with that. Satan is walking around like a lion seeking to devour us (1Peter 5:8). He wants to steal the joy that can come from this phase. He wasn't able to knock me down in the last phase and he is going to try again. 

I have felt resentment and feeling God has forgotten me  as others move forward with their lives. If I dwell too much on those things it can mess with my head. It's during those dark and painful times I remind myself of God's promises to me. He has a plan for me. He has brought me this far and he will not abandon me now. He is planning out my testimony as he orders my steps. He reminds me this phase is part of his plan. I have to have patience. I have to trust him.

I may be frozen now, but one day I will be able to move forward. I heard a saying before and I think it's appropriate here. "Until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway." 

My mission in REMISSION!

I couldn't wait for the results so I called to see if I could get in sooner. Sure enough they got me in the day after I called.

The night before my appointment I had a very vivid dream in which my deceased grandfather came to visit me. No one else could see him but me. He told me he was there because he knew I needed him. He told me he was proud of my faith and that is what would give me strength. He told me to keep believing and stay grounded in my faith. Just like he would when he was here on earth, he told me everything was going to turn out alright.He held my hand until it was time for him to go. The odd thing is it felt very real, more like I was half sleeping and half dreaming when this happened.

I needed that visit from him. I needed that encouragement. I truly do trust God with this battle with cancer, even when I am anxious or scared. Something deep inside of me refuses to give up the faith. From the very beginning God has asked me to trust him. So I have.

Getting my results was another test of faith. The nurse came in and took my vitals and left. I told God I trust him. He knows the results and he has a plan. I trust his plan regardless of the outcome.

The doctor came in. This was it!


I AM IN REMISSION!!!!! The chemo combo had worked! I still will receive infusion therapies of Herceptin and prejeta until the doctor says otherwise. I have started the infamous tamoxifen--which I have learned I can't take it at night or I end up with a Netflix marathon. I have noticed an increase of joint pain. I am taking triple strength glucosamine twice a day to hopefully help with this. Until I get enough in my system, I take some pain meds when it's unbearable. My energy is still zapped from chemo and more than likely from the med change. Hopefully my energy will begin to increase so I can also start working on this terrible weight gain from the steroids and chemo. I have been told to ease into my new normal because the chemo is still in my body and will be for a while. I will eventually get my energy back--yay! But I am alive!

The day before I got my results a friend had shared with me something her pastor told her. He had said that cancer was the pathway God chose for her to share his love and her faith. I believe that to be true for me as well. He is not finished with me yet.


February 3, 2015---The day I beat cancer!

Answered prayer

In the beginning of all this craziness, I lost a lot friends because they couldn't handle the cancer. Some were just not mature enough to understand the weight of what cancer is, some just walked away, and some well I had to walk away because they were too negative. And negative people give me hives. 

There was one person in perticular I was upset over losing. Mostly because they claimed we were such good friends and had offered to help. They never made good on their offers. Well sort of. Their offers came with odd conditions and just not helpful for someone running back and forth from radiation, doctor appointments and trying to work. They also just said hurtful things and I couldn't take it anymore. 

But as I have learned in my experience God always has a better plan. He often prunes us and our lives to remove the "dead branches" so we can grow to become better people. It's a process that is always for our good and His glory. It's often painful and can be hard to deal with when we are being "pruned". 

However when God removes something, He usually replaces it with something much better. It's not always the same thing, it may be in the form of more time with our loved ones or an opportunity we might not of otherwise had. 

God knew I would get cancer. He allowed it to happen--while I don't know all the reasons why, I'm learning what some are. One lesson is removing people from my life that were no longer part of His plan for me. God also knew the people I would need to keep me encouraged--especially on a daily basis. He knew I needed a good friend that would let me be myself--warts and all. He knew I would need someone that would be able to be there when I would need someone the most. 

I was still feeling a tad bit bitter about the good friend I had lost over this. I was sad I didn't have a "good friend" that was helping me through this. Then it hit me. I did! 

This person has been a huge cheerleader for me. They have orchestrated different surprises that mean so much to me. They broke some rules trying to bring me good coffee during chemo. They always offer to help me in some way when they see me struggling with different things. Always willing to hug me! Can tell I'm having a rough go and even tell when I'm not. They have even gone out of their way to show me support. 

I am truly blessed they are in my life. God placed them right when I needed them. Had he not "pruned" the other person there would not have been room for them. It makes sense now. I am able to move forward and be thankful for another answer to prayer--the much needed friend to help me through this. 

I don't know what I would do without them. 

I don't know what I'd do without the members of my team. Those that I know I can count on and have encouraged me in some way through this have done so much to help me. I'm truly blessed. 

With a little help from my friends

 

My personality very much aligns with my birth sign. I saw this and it was fitting for what I am going through right now. I hate asking for help for many reasons. In my experience I have been let down from people that said they would help and did not. I have experienced those that offered to help and when I took them up on it did it begrudgingly. I have experienced the rare times when people really do want to help and are happy to do so! I also have hard time asking for help when I do need it because I don't want to inconvenience anyone nor do I want to appear weak or entitled.

 

I have learned since my cancer battle began, asking and accepting help is something I have been working on. I am nowhere near where I could be, but I am getting better. I also keep telling myself if there is one time in your life to accept help, getting cancer is it!

 

I live in a very snow-heavy area. It's not so bad when the roads are plowed and those you depend on to plow your driveway actually do it. Last week we got more snow. Which lead to our side street being pretty well covered and a mess in my driveway. My mini, the beast she is, made it through the streets, but just as I turned into my driveway, my passenger side tire got stuck in huge pile of snow. I cried. I tried to get my mini out myself and used a shovel--I have already been told never do that again by loved ones, so I won't--and cried so more. Cue The Beatles, "Help".

 

I posted my lot on Facebook. Sure enough I got a call from a friend offering to help. Ugh. Now what. I need help. But I don't want to inconvenience anyone, nor did I want anyone to get stuck on our unplowed neck of the woods. Being the awesome friends they are, they didn't listen to me when I said I would wait for my husband. They told me they were coming over to help. Shoveled my driveway, and pushed my roller skate car out of the snow. I was able to tuck the Mimzy Mobile into her garage.

 

I think for me the "just do it" approach is easier to handle. I need help and friends want to help me. This way I can't say no! Smart on their part! LOL

 

I was also told just before going into chemo, accepting help is allowing others to be a blessing to me. If I don't let them help, I am stealing that opportunity from them. I try to remember that. I don't want to steal that experience from someone. I can also imagine Jesus saying to me, you needed help and I sent all these people and you told them no! Yeah, like I said I am a work in progress. And hopefully when I get my strength back (think remission!) I will be able to help others like so many have helped me.

 

 

The winter of my life

After the Christmas season snow and cold become old hat--especially if you live in an area where a foot of snow over several days is normal. It's no longer pretty. It's a bitter cold inconvenience.

I am always watching the weather so I can prepare for whatever it may bring. Do I need to leave early? Should I cancel my plans? Will my daughter's school be closed tomorrow? 

I am currently in the bitter cold season of my life. Just when things are going okay, side effects flare up, or I get news I wasn't expecting, or lose yet another friend because they can't handle

cancer. It's frigid and dark. 

Just like the regional weather, there are breaks where the sun comes out. I receive a sweet surprise in the mail, I'm able to work a few extra hours at work, my husband reminds me how strong I am, I can go almost a month without pain medication, or like today my Mini Cooper ( my dream car that my husband bought me when I was diagnosis read about it here) accepts every snow challenge and wins! 

I also have to remind myself that winter temporary. Just like this season in my life is temporary. While I will be in treatment for the rest of my life, I will still have a life. Spring will eventually come on the calendar and in my life. 

I don't want to wish my life away into spring. I want to find joy in these winter days. Yes some days are bleak, but it's also one more day closer to beating cancer. It's one more day spent picking up my daughter from school. One more day enjoying my amazing friends at the office. It's one more day to tell my husband I love him. Even though there are hard, bitterly cold days warmth can be found when we choose to find joy. 

My breaking point.

I have to say well dealing with a cancer diagnosis there are certain liberties that you get to take. You get to allow yourself to feel how you want and process the situation as you see fit. Not everyone will react the same and that's okay. Just the word cancer can be too much for some, while others are able to sort through things and keep going. I think I fall on the side of being able to handle things and keep pressing on. I attribute my abilities to my faith. It's nothing of myself.

However even those with great faith still are humans dealing with devastating and uncertain times, which can always bring about the straw that finally breaks the camel's back. 

Mine came in early December. 

I got a call from my daughter's school. She had lice. I was told by the school nurse and later confirmed by my nurse that because I was receiving chemo I could not administer the lice treatment. I was livid. Mostly because the school had been dealing with lice since September and it was now December and it was still a problem.

I needed help. During this particular week, I was dealing with fatigue, joint aches, stage IV cancer, another chemo treatment in a few days among everything else and now lice--which I couldn't treat myself. I called my mother, who was able to come and help. 

When we got home from school, I started bagging animals, even a 5 foot bear--which looked like a hobbit in a body bag. My body was working against me that day. I hurt all over and the overwhelming amount of  all I was dealing with finally broke me. I broke down. I had an ugly cry with my mom as I sat in a sea of stuffed animals. My mom reminded me she was there to help and we would get through this.

My friend even set me a text to point out that I would have a few days to spend with my daughter catching up on our video game play. I wasn't even remotely interested in hearing that. I was focused on the task at hand and very pissed I had to deal with cancer and lice. 

I'm not sure when it came to me, either while I was stripping bed sheets or bagging up Bilbo, but I remembered reading how Corrie ten Boom and her sister were thankful for lice while they were prisoners in a nazi concentration camp in Corrie's book, The Hiding Place.

Betsie ten Boom had reminded Corrie that in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 the bible says, " In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." And that included lice. Later in the book Corrie goes on to tell what part the lice played in God's plan for them. He had a purpose for the lice!

That stung. If Corrie and Betsie can be thankful in a nazi camp for lice, I can be thankful while battling cancer and dealing with lice. 

I prayed. Prayed to have the Lord reveal to me the good things lice would bring just as he did for the ten Boom sisters. I asked him for strength to endure. I asked for encouragement during this rock bottom time.  Peolple had said some hurtful things like at least you are not dealing with 3 kids being sent home with lice. Um yeah. Much rather have three kids with lice than have stage IV cancer as a kid with lice--whom I can't physically treat and must call other people to do the  shampooing. So that just added to my pissed off mood. 

 

God sure delivered. He provided encouragement and strength. My friend sent me amazing slippers. 

My amazing slippers from my amazing friend!

He provided additional one on one time just me and my daughter--which I desire so much. I want to spend as much time with her as a possibly can. Even if it's because I'm taking care of her. 

Normally after chemo I spend it resting, but this time I had to assist in operation lice removal. I found the energy to keep moving when my daughter needed me. 

It took almost a week to finally get rid of those terrible bugs. I even had to enlist the help of my aunt as well.
 

I wish I could have been calmer and in hindsight I can see how I would handle it differently--but I had been pushed to my limit. I think I needed to break in order to learn what God had in store for me that week. I am not sure of all the lessons but I do know it brought me closer to my daughter--and that's priceless. I also learned that God has purpose for everything--even lice.