Thankful

I was talking today with a friend at work about life as child. We talked about how easy being a kid can be. Your days are pretty routine with no real responsibilities like bills and a job. We talked about how we would look forward to holiday breaks and family meals. I can easily remember what my life was like when I was my daughter's age. I even remember making my first paper snowflake with glitter in my first grade class! We probably made them closer to the first day of winter, but I still remember.

I can guess the things I would have said I was thankful for when I was 6. My parents would have topped the list, followed by my favorite toys and popcorn. I know I would have mentioned the Macy's parade. It was something my dad and I would watch partly together until we needed to leave for dinner. Someone would have suggested my 4 year-old brother and I would have rolled my eyes and probably said something snarky under my breath. I know the Thanksgiving holiday would have been spent at one of my grandparent's houses with all my cousins, aunts and uncles. The ladies making amazing things happen in the kitchen and catching up on family news. The men gathered around the television watching a football game or some kind of pre-game show. Cousins all over playing games and making noise. As think of it now, I can hear my grandmother laughing in the kitchen as my mother recants a story of something I or my brother probably did. Embarrassed then, but proud now that we could give her something to laugh about. I would love to just go back in time to drink in the love, laughter and warmth spent at those past family gatherings around the table--even the kids table.

Over the years traditions and times have changed. People have moved farther away and now have families of their own. It makes it harder to continue the same routines I grew up with. For my little family of three we started our own little Thanksgiving tradition and included my parents in on it. I love cooking Thanksgiving food, especially the turkey and gravy.  I know others have anxiety of cooking such a huge bird, but I live for it! I love talking to others on how they brine and cook theirs.
We had few dinners that we invited friends and their kiddos to join us.  There have been a few years we have celebrated with my father-in-law and his dear girlfriend and her family. All have been full of love, laughter and warmth.

This summer brought so much unknown to us. My husband tore his ACL and meniscus and ended up having to have surgery. I started a new job that included being on call during holidays. And then the worst happened. I was diagnosed with cancer. I went for the gold on that, too. I skipped the early stage and went straight to stage IV. (Stage IV means is has metastasized/spread to other areas of the body) During those late summer days I wasn't thinking about making a turkey. I was thinking, "will I be here to celebrate?" I had no idea how my life would play out over the next four months after my initial diagnosis. I knew what my nurse (which one of these days will get her own entry on my blog because she is incredible and everyone should know about her) kept telling me about the chemo combo for my triple positive cancer. Even knowing the science facts, everyone body responds uniquely to treatment.

The day my doctor told me my labs showed my liver blood test was normal I was on cloud nine. It was a small indicator things were headed in the right direction. But I still needed the CT scan and I was nervous what it would reveal.

Today as I replay the scan results in my head I still tear up. NO CANCER FOUND. 4 rounds of chemo, 10 radiation treatments, prayer, tears, worry, fighting and NO CANCER FOUND. I can easily tell you a million and one reasons why I am thankful this year. I am bummed I can't make the turkey, but I am okay with that.

This battle with cancer has opened my eyes to what is really important. It has honed in what truly matters in this world. I have been able to cut out so much negative and petty things. I don't take anything for granted like I used to. Everything is precious. I am not in such a rush. I also don't put up with crap either.

It has also shown me that Thanksgiving and calling into remembrance what I am thankful for is not a once a year event. For me, Thanksgiving is everyday. I am thankful everyday for amazing blessings that fall from Heaven. I am grateful for the small events that take place daily.  I could easily list a million and one things that I am thankful for and not double up.

While I don't see cancer as a blessing, I am thankful to the wake-up call that came with it. I can now really live and truly be thankful.

Strength in numbers

Dealing with life or death situation is very overwhelming. The various emotions your mind attempts to process is draining. Having people in your corner to help you as you go through it can ease the chaos. I know I have mentioned my "Team Mimzy", which is made of many friends and family members that have chosen to love me through this tragic time in my life. They are the people that have gone out of their way to show me how much they care by providing for me in amazing ways. Some of have sent cards and gifts and others have been able to go with me to appointments. I had a friend that made one of my favorite desserts because I posted on facebook I was craving it. I still can't believe she did that for me. It is just humbling to receive so much love and compassion from people. I could go on for days about the things said and done for me over the last few months. I am grateful for each act of kindness that has been bestowed on me and my family.

I did write about those that have walked away from me and my family because they can't handle the cancer. Some had to be kicked off cancer island because it was obvious they weren't able to handle cancer. I won't go into all of it again, but as much as it hurts they can't provide the support we need as cancer patients, the hole they leave is always filled by someone that is ready and willing to help. We are much better off.

The unfortunate thing is even with all the help from these incredible people they can't understand exactly what we are feeling. Even sadder than that is no one can. Our battle with cancer is always as unique as the individual fighting it. During this fight, I have often felt isolated in my situation. To find another metastatic breast cancer patient (cancer spread to the liver and bones) with triple positive invasive ductal carcinoma that is under 40, chemo treatment of Herceptin, Prejeta and Taxotere, married with a young child has been hard. I have yet to meet one in person. It can be difficult navigating the stories of survivors that found a lump, had it removed and have been cancer free for 20 years. It is easy for me to often feel alone.

One thing that has helped though is connecting with other cancer warriors, especially those dealing with breast cancer. Yes, we all have our own unique struggle and not everything is the same, but the feelings of fear, anxiety and sadness are. Even those that have battled another type of cancer, but were also stage IV have been encouraging to talk to. They, too, know the feelings and fears I face even if I am dealing with different circumstances.

I have found a few local support groups which have been great in meeting others. It also helps with questions with treatment. I have been struggling with taking my pain medication. I am just not one that likes to take medication. But after talking to different cancer patients they reminded me how important it is to help my body by taking the medication. Pain can put extra stress on cancer patient and meds can alleviate that stress. I have since gotten over not taking my medication and just take it as needed. One day I will not need it, so taking it is temporary. It was nice to talk others that have walked in my shoes, though.

My faith is a huge part of my life and very much what is carrying me through this war with cancer. I found another support group for breast cancer patients/survivors that is built upon faith. It has helped being able to share our faith and having someone pray with you, especially during the unknown times like the days leading up to my scan results. As Christians we are called to, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)

I have also participated in a fun night out and was able to meet up with several members of one of the groups. It was nice to meet others around my age and knowing they get how hard it is to be mother while battling cancer. It was also fun to do something nice for me. I have a hard time doing that. I am so focused on beating cancer I forget to do something just for me sometimes.

It can be hard finding the right fit with support groups sometimes. I will not participate in groups where the majority is negative and constantly focused on the bad. I understand others may appreciate that type of group so they can un-bottle those feelings they have kept hidden from others and it helps them feel better in sharing those angry feelings. I will not fault with another cancer patient who chooses to use this type of method if that is what helps them get through this horrible time in their life. However, for me, I have enough negative stuff and I refuse to focus on it.

It may take time in finding the right fit, but it well worth the time in doing so. It is well worth making friends with other patients, even if their journey is a bit different. They may provide a different perspective that can be very helpful to you as you are going through your own battle.

I think the best part of having a team of friends, family and other cancer patients/survivors is knowing you are not alone.

No cancer found

Since the doctor told me I would be scheduled for my body scan, I have been worried about it. What would the results show? When the doctor told me that my blood test for the liver was normal, which was an indicator that things were working in the right direction, I was so happy. I finally had some shred of evidence that the treatment was doing its job.

I was nervous the day of the scan. I prayed that there would be some progress revealed by the scan. Some is better than no progress. I prayed it would reveal the treatment was working for my type of cancer. I prayed for my husband and daughter. I can't leave them. I will fight to the end to be with them for as long as possible.

I had to wait a week for results and it sucked. So many thoughts and worries preoccupied my mind. The what ifs made my stomach do extra flip-flops. I had a harder time sleeping. I felt on edge. I prayed and asked for peace.

We were predicted to get a major snow storm that day. I was already a ball of nerves and storm added to it. It ended up missing us and hitting Buffalo, NY.


Before I saw the doctor, I had my scheduled labs in preparation for chemo later in the week. My husband arrived soon after and then we were called back. The doctor was running a bit behind schedule, but it felt like forever. I felt sick to my stomach. I attempted breathing exercises, moving around, talking to my husband about other things, playing with my phone, nothing helped! When would the doctor get here!?

He finally came into the room and asked how I was. Um, nervous, worried and feeling like I am going to hurl. He told us that the CT scan (since the government says it is too soon for a pet scan) showed NO SIGNS OF CANCER. He did say there may be microscopic cancer cells that can not be detected by the CT scan. Because of this, I will continue my current treatments as they are. I will also be scheduled for a scan just of the bones so they can have baseline scan and check what he called cavities left by the cancer.

I cried. I asked him to repeat the report again. A huge weight had been lifted. I still felt like I might be sick, but I was ok. I could see the news had affected my husband, too. He hugged me and told me that he had already told me that the scan would be good news. That's him, though. He is always positive when it comes to this war on the cancer in my body. My rock, best friend and cheerleader. I am just going to say how amazing God is that he KNEW I would need someone like Bryan and he created my husband. I am so blessed. I totally got sidetracked and I am not even sorry. LOL

So then I had to call my family and close friends that I promised I would call and text, followed by telling my second family--my workmates. I called a meeting because I wanted to tell everyone at once. I wish our regional manager could have been there, though. It was emotional. I had a mini-breakdown the week before at work, so being able to share this awesome news just made everything sweeter.

The best re-telling of this fabbity-fab news was when I got to tell my daughter. When my husband and she came home I asked my husband if he had told our daughter. He said that he wanted to let me tell her. I called her over and told her I had something important to tell her. She asked if it was bad news. I told her I would explain and she crawled in my lap. I reminded her of how mommy had a scan to see if the treatment was working and we got the results. She had wide eyes as she looked at me. I started tearing up. I paused, took a breath and told her the good news. Her reaction was priceless. I then told her we would be going to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate (something we as a family have always done even when it was just Bryan and I). She went crazy!

It is mandatory that we get a family picture every time we go to CEC. Our daughter loves looking back on them.

A day later I am still processing those words and remembering my doctor's face as he told me. I could tell he was happy to give me excellent news. I am not completely out of the woods. I may still have surgery and possible medications after chemo. I still don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that my life will never be the same.

Cancer Thief

I know that I sort of touched on this in my bad day post, but I thought I would try to help those that have not been through cancer understand the battle that those of us living with cancer struggle with. I have since learned that even survivors deal with this battle even after the cancer is gone. It is a real struggle and it can be very hard to deal with.

The battle with cancer is not just physical.  While we are fighting for our physical body, we are also fighting cancer in the emotional, spiritual and psychological realms. With every new ache or pain it comes with worry and fear is it the cancer? Is the cancer winning? It is spreading? Is the chemo and/or medications not working or no longer effective? Worry and fear are tools that the cancer uses to bring us down. It is attempting to use the fear to steal our joy and try to make us forget about the positives in our treatment and facts we do know to be true. This struggle can be daily for some, but it is always in the back of our minds.

It has always important to me to create memories for our daughter with special experiences as a family and even one on one with her parents. It is especially important to me now. What sucks is that when we come home from a fun day cancer likes to rear its ugly head and ask me when I will get to do it again? Will I be hear next year to take her to the event? Is this my last holiday with my family? My goal is that I will beat cancer and be here for as long as possible, but cancer likes to try to rob me from the happiness I have had making a new memory with my family with cluttering my head with worry. Then I pray.

It can even happen after seeing a commercial of a young girl in a wedding dress, or seeing kids graduating from high school. I think about being there for my beautiful daughter on her special days and see her grow up and raising her amazing family. My goal is to hold my grandbabies and hopefully my great-grandbabies like my grandfather who lived to be 91. As cancer tries to rob me from these special events, I pray.

My husband and I have a laundry list of retirement adventures. We started talking about this list when we knew it would be him and me forever. We have a trip to Paris, touring Strat-O-Matic and Scrabble tournaments around the USA, and countless other things on our list. These days Bryan and I might start talking about the future and the excitement for the future adventures with the man of my dreams can quickly dash as cancer tries to scare me I won't be here for those. It is then I pray.

I was told early on to be very careful about reading personal blogs online. Tread lightly. Most of the time they are extremely helpful as far as hearing from someone else that has walked in your shoes even if the details of their cancer is not the same, they still understand what "cancer" feels like. However, sometimes they can cause unneeded worry. Sometimes those details are important because the outcome may be vastly different from your journey. Even if everything IS the same, your body may respond differently from treatment and you end up with different out come. Comparison can be another tool cancer likes to use to cause worry and rob you of your fighting spirit. After reading another blog with devastating information or article of someone that died from this wretched disease. With tears, I pray.
 

I often feel guilty when I can't do something like play games with my daughter or unable to attend to attend events because I am overcome with pain or fatigue. Most people understand and don't guilt trip me and then there are others that don't get it and pass judgment. Cancer loves to blow those feelings and events way out of proportion. As we fight cancer, we will have limitations but they will pass. I also have begun to get creative about how to spend time with my daughter. I may not always feel up to running around, but we can snuggle and watch movies and read books. I even started a sketch journal with her. If cancer tries make me feel like an awful person because of the limitations it has put on me, I pray.

Sadly there are going to people that can't handle cancer and either walk away from us or we have to kick off cancer island because they cause too much stress and drama. I have had to remove a few people just because they are incredibly negative people. I have enough negative stuff going on, I don't need outside help with that. Cancer likes to remind us or sometimes other people like to judge us for making the choices we needed to. We are fighting for our lives and if we need to remove people for our own mental well-being we need to do it. Any time someone has made a comment about my choice I always say when you are fighting stage IV caner you can do that, but since I am the one fighting stage IV cancer I get to call the shots. Cancer likes to remind us that we "lost" these people and makes us feel bad. I pray.

During treatment there are many tests to see how well the medications are working and making sure the results are coming to the desired results. Even the basic blood count tests can be nerve-wracking. Holding our breath as we wait to hear the results. For the same reasons with every new ache or pain, we worry about what we will find out. It's hard not worry. And it drives me crazy when someone tells me not to--especially when that person hasn't had cancer or even some type of health scare that could even remotely be compared to cancer. Unless you have had to face your own possible mortality, you really don't understand why it is hard not worry. Tonight, in fact, is the evening before I receive the results of my first scan. This scan will tell us what kind of progress, if any, the treatment has had on my cancer. It will also determine the rest of my treatment. I would lie if I said I wasn't freaked out. Cancer likes to swoop in and turn my thoughts to "what ifs". I work myself up and then I am on edge. I have prayed A LOT when my scan was scheduled and since it was taken. I am praying now.

It is a constant battle when fighting cancer at any stage, even after the cancer has been determined to be out of your body. I find it important to remind myself of how far I have come in my treatment so far, the actual facts about my chemo combo, the results of from my tests so far, facts about other patients that have been toe-tagged at stage IV and have been living in remission for many, many years. I also go to my best friend, cheerleader and amazing husband and he always helps remind me how far I have come and I am day closer to beating cancer. I also turn to God and gain strength and courage from him and his word. My hope verse is, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. God whispered these words to me earlier today as I cried out to him and told him my fears.

Cancer wants to win. I want to win more. I will do whatever it takes to beat this and live as long as possible to do all the things I want to do and share my testimony with others. Cancer wants to steal my joy and try to rob me of having hope. It is a power struggle, but it is my faith that sustains me and hope that keeps me going.

So tonight, I pray.

How can you help?

I really don't know what it is like to watch a loved one or friend go through cancer. I can empathize what it must like. I can say it sucks--because cancer in general sucks. I am going to share what things have helped me so far on this journey. Keep in mind things that people have done for me, may not work for some one else since everybody is different. I can say that most of time, if you are truly trying to help it will be recognized, but please do not offer to make a meal and tell the patient they need to come and get it. That is not helpful.

One of the biggest things I have found encouraging is hearing someone is praying for me. Every time I hear that it just gives me such peace. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I have been told that friends and family have added me to prayer lists and that just humbles me. People that do not even know me are lifting me up to the healing power of Jesus. I have actually read that there are cancer fighters that do not like hearing people are praying for them. They have different beliefs and they find hearing it very offensive. So if you are not sure about someone's beliefs I would recommend asking if it is okay if you pray for them. As for me, I see it as one of the biggest things you can do for me. I truly believe in the power of prayer. I know it was through prayer God allowed a miracle to occur when I was hit by a motorcycle at the age of 3. It is also one of the reasons I share updates on my facebook page Team Mimzy. Those that are supporting me and wanting to pray for me can see my updates and offer words of encouragement there.

I am attempting to work part time through this and maintain my wife and motherly duties. However, meals are extremely difficult. Planning, shopping and cooking is often too much. Since my husband is not one that cooks, it makes dinner very interesting. It has been such a blessing when family and friends plan to deliver meals. It takes off so much stress and offers me more time to rest and kick cancer's butt. I have loads of dear family and friends that do not live nearby and have sent gift cards in lieu of a meal. Those are extremely helpful, too. My husband can pick something up on the way home and dinner is ready. We are able to spend more time together as a family--which right now is the most important thing to me.

Helping with errands and rides has been helpful. I have been on a variety of medications since the start and the side effects have been overwhelming. I can't always just hop into my car and drive to store or the post office. I have to pre-plan every errand. Sometimes my husband can pick up something I have forgotten, but sometimes he can't. It helps to have someone drive me or even offer to pick something up while they are at the store.

I need to get better at allowing people to help with the cleaning. I am working on it. But it is a huge help when I let people. Even just sweeping or doing the dishes, is a huge relief. My joints hurt all the time and those little chores are very taxing. We also have had people that have helped with lawn care and eventually we will need help with snow removal because it is approaching that time of year. It stunned me when people just offered to help with the lawn care and got it done. I know there are people that don't mind offering this kind of help, so if you are one of them, please offer it to your loved one.

I am so blessed that my daughter has so many people in her life that love her and adore her. They want to help in some way and offer playdates with their children or even transportation to events that our children are in together. It humbles me every time one of her friend's parents instinctively offer to help in this way. I am so incredibly thankful. Like I have mentioned before, with the side effects of medication and my body fighting for its life, it can be hard to find the energy to maintain all the events and fun stuff our daughter wants to be apart of. Just because I am dealing with cancer, I don't want it to mean she misses out on her childhood. It gives her an outlet and place to have fun with friends.

I am thankful for those that take the time to listen to me. I have so much going on in my head and sometimes I just need to get it out. I am not always looking for advice but more like reaching out and being real about cancer. Cancer sucks and it's nice to talk to someone that agrees that it does. Sometimes it is nice to have a break from the cancer talk and talk about music, games, current events--which include current events in friends' and families' lives. I am still a person and I still have interests. It gives me a much needed break from the back and forth in my own head.

Not that long ago I was having a very rough week. I felt horrible, worried, dealing with stupid people and just overwhelmed. A dear friend drove over 2 hours to treat me to a manicure. It was perfect. It was exactly what I needed. She asked what I had done for myself since we talked last and I couldn't really think about anything. I had been so focused on appointments and just daily activities I hadn't really done anything else. She checks in on me from time to time and it means so much. I need that. I need someone checking in on me and helping me get out of my head and living. I don't expect everyone to make such a drive, but just checking in on the patient and help remind them of who they were before cancer came into their lives.

Checking in on me is easy. Getting an encouraging email, texts, and such can do so much. Cancer is such an emotional rollercoaster and getting a message from someone shows they care. It gives me the extra fight I need to keep going. I have an great friend that lives on the other side of the country an she is great about texting me. She sent me a funny picture from her morning commute. I laughed so hard I ended up printing it out. I also have a cousin that is very routine with texts and pictures she sends.  Just remember with the messages, I may not be up to returning the call or message. So be patient with this patient about getting back to you.

I love getting mail. I have gotten several cards and packages since I was first diagnosed. Each one means so much. We have also received packages for our daughter. My husband and daughter are going through this cancer battle, too. Just knowing someone took the time to send me a card and let me know they are thinking of me and my family means so much.

Early on in my diagnosis someone kept inviting me to things that I could never have gone to due to appointments and my new lifestyle would not allow me to do so. The person inviting me really hadn't thought through. I do appreciate the invites that comes with the details figured out--realizing I may not be up to it, I may need a ride or childcare. They also take into consideration my crazy schedule. So if you ware wanting to invite your cancer warrior, think it through and ask them about the details so they are able to attend if they are feeling up to it.

I was also thinking how comforting it is to have people that give the precious gift of understanding. What I mean is, I may be feeling great early in the day and then slowly go downhill. This may cause me to cancel plans or turn down invitations. Most of the time people have been great about it when I have to cancel or turn something down because they do understand that my condition is not predictable and I am going to have bad days. I would also ask that you give an extra dose of understanding if you call me last minute and ask to drop by or would like to meet up. These are harder for me to accept because most days I have already a schedule of events that I follow because at this point I know my energy levels. I must be saving my energy to do something later in the day and can't do both. I am so thankful for those that do understand.

If you have a talent or special niche like making hats or desserts or cleaning or whatever, offer your service. I was craving strawberry pretzel squares and after hearing that, a friend made it for me. I was so encouraged by her kindness. I don't always know what I need, and it helps when someone offers a service instead of asking me what I need help with.

I am incredibly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life that are trying to help make this dismal part of life so much easier on me and my family. Each gesture means the world to us and I am incredibly thankful for them and those that go out of their way for us.

Dear Cancer a letter to my cancer from my daughter

When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, they have to make a decision on how to tell their children. How much they will share and how they will share it. It is very hard decision and not one that is ever taken lightly. As a parent we want to spare our children from the ugly and evils of the world, but we can't always do that. Sometimes we can use these situations as lessons on how to deal with trials we face. I would even say that every parent comes to the best decision that works for them and their children. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to telling your kiddos. It can be messy and hard, but they are part of this battle, too.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I decided that we would not hide it from our daughter. Yes, she is only 6, but we felt she had a right to know what was going on with me. We have spared her from the boring details that she wouldn't understand, but we have remained honest with her. If she has questions we answer them in way she can understand. She knows I have stage IV breast cancer. She knows that I am in chemo and so far it seems to be working. She knows I have good days and bad days. She knows I am not always up to playing and is very forgiving. She also knows I love her very much and she is one of the reasons I am fighting this cancer. When I look into her eyes, I know I can't give up this fight.

We had her participate in a special group offered by the cancer center for kids who had loved one that is battling cancer. She got to see how some of treatments are given, like radiation, how chemo is made and even gave out cookies to those receiving chemo. She got to talk about how cancer makes her feel. I am glad we were able to give her that opportunity. I think it helped seeing what I have gone through and what I am going through and place to ask questions that she had.

I asked her what she would like to say to mommy's cancer. She gave a scowl. I know that look. She hates cancer. She wants it to leave and not come back. She wants her mommy to be healthy. She doesn't like the unknown we face while we battle cancer together. I told her she could write a letter to my cancer and tell it whatever she wants. She liked that idea.

This is her letter.

"Dear Cancer, I do not like you. You are a butt. You are a brfff brfff (sticking tongue out) You are a pee." The drawing is her saying, "I don't like you." Cancer says," I don't care." She says,"OK!"

I told her it okay to feel those things about cancer and say those things to my cancer. Because, it is. It is healthy to write our feelings about things that are trying to hurt us and even share them and talk about them. She went from somber when writing it to a happy kid because she got to call cancer a butt. She knows it's not okay to call people those names (even if they are lol) but for cancer it is more than appropriate.

We also talk about when we are feeling upset and worried about mommy's cancer that she can talk to God. We use the scripture, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. I know she does find comfort in prayer and that is so encouraging to me as her mother. It is where I find my comfort as well.

I know God has a plan for my daughter which includes my cancer. Right now she wants to be a cancer doctor, but that very well may change. However, she will gain a compassion for those suffering and going through a terrible ordeal that can only be gained from her own experience. God will use this in her own young life to bring glory and honor to Him. This cancer will shape her into the amazing young woman God desires her to be. I am looking forward to seeing God work in her life and by his amazing grace I will be here to watch it all unfold.

Did you really just say that?

It doesn't happen often but enough that I am able to create a list. People have said some of the dumbest things to me. Saying these things to  someone with cancer is a little different than saying tem to someone not dealing with a life-threatening situation. Our train of thought is in survival mode. We don't have time for petty or stupid. I will also say what bothers me may not bother the next cancer warrior. My advice to anyone is to think before you speak.  Run what you want to say through the "if you were fighting for YOUR LIFE, would you seriously want that said to you?" filter.

It's not my job to educate people on cancer fighter etiquette. However, the behaviors and comments that were said were incredibly hurtful. I am trying so hard to be positive and surround myself with encouraging people. When someone says something rude and ignorant when you are doing everything you can to maintain a smile in the worst part of your life, it can really knock you down.

My goal is sharing all of this is so that people can understand how damaging these words can be. How deep they can wound someone that is already suffering. I would like to think the best of people and that most of the time they don't realize just how they sound. If by sharing my experience it will help someone stop and think about what they are going to say, then hopefully I have spared another person from being hurt. I also hope that I can encourage others going through the trenches that I understand. I know what it is like when people say things without thinking. It can utterly crush our spirit when we need to be uplifted instead.

I think the first one I will touch on is the most recent one. I was contacted by a relative I have never met, so honestly they are pretty much a stranger. They thought it was okay to share their opinions on my chosen treatment for cancer. This is one of the easiest ways to piss me off. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT share your opinions on a cancer patient's chosen treatments. I would recommend you ask them first. Let them know you what have read, have friend that has tried certain methods, etc. ask them if they are interested in hearing more. If they say no, drop it. But for the love all that is good starting off with saying, "I don't know how much you trust your doctors or how much faith you put into the medical system with its "cut, poison, burn" treatment of cancer but I asked a friend who CURED!! herself of breast cancer for advice." is a sure fire way to get your ass kicked off cancer island. Of course I trust my doctors. I do not see my chosen form of treatment as cut, burn, poison either. I see it SURVIVE, SURVIVE, SURVIVE. I did ask this person if they had cancer and of course they said no. I did tell them until they hear those words they really don't know what they will do. As someone who has been diagnosed with stage IV  cancer I will do whatever I need to do to stay alive so I can be here for my daughter and husband. So learn from this, ask first and keep your opinions on cancer patient's treatment to yourself. In all honesty, it is really none of your business anyway.

When I was first diagnosed I was contacted by several people on their "miracle product" from their company that sells overpriced items. Of course this miracle product cures cancer, right? Um, yeah. I was dealing with so much that first month and I swear I was getting pitched to daily. I was fed up. I felt like I was being taken advantaged of in my current state. I am trying to make sense of hearing I have stage IV cancer (it's not just "breast cancer", friends) and this person is trying to make money off of my tragedy. I know these products exist and I am not interested. If had been one or two people, I probably wouldn't bother to write about it, but it was several. They found themselves kicked off cancer island early on. I will not put up with people trying to sell me stuff I do not need, especially when I am already dealing with so much as it is. I can assure you your cancer friend already knows what you sell, if they are interested they know where to find you.

During the worst news of my life, everything turned upside down. It was like a complete whirlwind of appointments and tests. I had like two or three a week for several weeks. I barely had time to breathe. I was also trying to process the news of having cancer and overwhelmed with what the hell am I going to do. There was a person in my life at the time that felt it was helpful to constantly invite me to outings. It was not helpful. The events were held while I was at work or during an appointment. I got tired of turning them down and giving the same reasons. They thought it was showing they care, but it really didn't especially when I told them WHY I can't attend. I work and have doctors' appointments and tests for CANCER. If they really cared and wanted me to attend, they would have thought through their invitations. I have another friend that does the right thing, though. Her invites always include plan a, b and c. She knows I am not up to go to a lot of things, but invites to pick up my daughter to participate or invites me to things but always adds, I know that you may not feel up to it, but you are very welcome to come. My advice, if you want to include your cancer friend, include them, but keep in mind they may have cancel last minute.  They may love to come but because of medications need a ride. If they are a parent, they also may need childcare.  Because our bodies are going through so much, they also may need to just rest. So when you extend that invite, let them know if you can help with a ride, childcare, and that you understand if they are not up to attending but would love if they can, etc.

I just found out I had breast cancer and someone thought that it would be funny to make boob jokes with me. Yeah. I was not cool with that. Mine are trying to kill me, so I didn't find his joke funny at all. Now this person said they didn't realize my cancer was breast cancer and immediately apologized.  I don't know if they really didn't know I have breast cancer or if they were trying to cover their butt. I wouldn't have found the joke funny without cancer, but whatever. I would suggest that you take into consideration your relationship with your buddy with cancer. Do you normally make jokes like that and they respond positively? I know with this person, I have never participated in those jokes with them so it wasn't appropriate for our friendship. It may provide a bit of humor and normalcy to their new crazy cancer life. If not, I would highly recommend skipping the joke. If you find yourself making a joke in poor taste and the cancer fighter lets you know, apologize.

I was dealing with some severe sternum pain early on. It was so bad I was taking morphine tablets. I was told once I started chemo it would stop (it has!). However, I started dealing some pain on the left side of my chest. I wasn't sure if it was the sternum pain radiating, if it was the cancer spreading, or what. I called my nurse and she said because of what I was describing it could be a blood clot or something to do with my heart. To be safe, I needed to head to the ER. Okay so I am dealing with cancer, this incredible pain I need morphine for and now I am being sent to ER to rule out anything serious. Great.  While I laying there waiting to find out if I have blood clot or a heart issue, while in a an incredible amount of pain, I get a message from someone about the upcoming school year and what teacher their child had and that teacher was the better one. Really? Why would you say something like that to someone in my situation? I don't really know if they knew I was laying my cancer body in the ER consumed with concern about my heart and a blood clot, but even so, why compare teachers? My life is in survival mode and completely turned upside down. So is it really necessary to say things like that to me? My advice? Keep that stuff to yourself. Try to be positive and encouraging.

Ah yes, I caused my cancer from drinking coffee, coke and hot Cheetos. This is an easy one. There are cancers like lung cancer that can--not always--be caused from smoking or choices that you make. You have to be careful with making assumptions that the person caused their cancer. Chances are pretty good, they didn't. Even if their lifestyle did indeed lead to developing cancer, keep that opinion to yourself. It is hurtful and unnecessary. You obviously do not want to be a good friend if you need to say stuff like that. So pack your own bags and leave cancer island.

I got the good cancer or it is only breast cancer. Yeah, since mine is stage IV and cancer kills, no cancer is the "good cancer".  Saying "it is only breast cancer" just shows your ignorance. There are so many types of breast cancer and receptors that determine what types treatment work for them. It is so much more than "breast cancer" and there is no one size fits all to it, either. Sadly even if certain types of breast cancer are caught early, there is always a chance of a reoccurrence. So sometimes the fight continues long after what appears that the cancer is gone. Please refrain from saying that it's only breast cancer or I have the good cancer. No cancer is good cancer.

I had someone offer to make my family meal, but I had to pick it up myself. I had to pass on that one. While offering to help someone going through a terrible ordeal is great, adding extra work on the cancer warrior, not helpful. My advice is if you can't complete the gesture, perhaps skip it until you can. Do not add extra work to someone fighting for their life.

Oh yes, those that pass judgment on how I choose to live my life with cancer. Telling me I shouldn't eat this or that. I should only eat this or that. I need to do this or I need to do that. I need to let this go or take the high road. I need to get a second opinion. Someone actually told me I needed to quit my job and spend time with my family since I had stage IV cancer. Now they got all their medical advice online so of course they know what they are talking about. *eye roll* Oh the list of what I should and shouldn't do doesn't end. I really recommend unless the patient comes to you for advice, keep your opinions on what they should/shouldn't do to yourself. We have enough to deal with and worry if we are making the best decisions for our lives as it is, you are just adding much unneeded stress--which I believe you told me I needed to avoid anyway.


"If I found out I had cancer, I would do (insert your internet knowledge here)" I always respond with until you hear those words that you have cancer you really don't know what you would do. You may think you do, but depending on the type and stage you really don't know. The only time this could be acceptable is "If I found out I had cancer, I don't know what I would do." Honestly, though it would probably be best to refrain from saying anything along these lines unless your cancer loved one has asked. I didn't mind when someone would say that they wouldn't know what they would do, because to me they are being honest.

Now these may or may not apply to the person going through cancer. We are all so different and how we handle our diagnosis is going to be different. Just think about what you are saying before you say it. If you do offend them, apologize and try to understand where they are coming from.

I am living in a constant state of loss of control (loss of hair, functions, sleep, normalcy, friends/family because they can't handle cancer, etc.) I am trying to maintain some type of handle on my life.  This cancer thing is a constant rollercoaster. I am attempting to do my best and my emotions are heightened and focus is lost. In the midst of my chaos some people, even well-meaning, think have the best advice for me. It's not going to be met with thankfulness nor am I obligated to take the high road if you mess up. You have made a dangerous assumption in assuming you know my situation. Honestly, unless you have had cancer you can not understand. You can think you will know how to handle hearing those life changing words "you have cancer" but until it actually happens to YOU, you do not. The cancer battle isn't even the same for everyone dealing with it. What works for one, may not work for the next. We are all unique and individual in our fight. One thing that is the same for cancer patients is that we are preoccupied with survival and have the right to respond to these remarks in whichever way is best for us. Since we have cancer, we get to call the shots regarding whom we let into our new world. Please respect that.

If that means we must distance ourselves from people that are constantly being negative, trying to sell us stuff we don't need, offering advice that is not welcome, etc. we have right to end the relationship. We have to. We have to do what is right for our well-being. I made the decision to surround myself with positive people. I had a few people that were negative Nellies prior to my cancer diagnosis and took the high road approach for the longest time. Even after hearing I had cancer, I continued, but it became too much. I am not talking about major life events or the every once in awhile bad day. I am talking about the person that can never find anything good to say and is constantly complaining. I couldn't handle it anymore. I have to say that was the best decision I made.

So again, if you are trying to be there for a someone that has cancer, take into account your relationship with that person. I have friend that has been like a sister for the longest time. She can get away with saying a lot more to me than most--but that is our relationship. If someone else said some of the things she has, I can guarantee I would not appreciate it. Run what you want to say through the filter. If you were focused on fighting for your life, preoccupied with your unknown future and the future of your family, etc., would you want someone saying that to you? It really just comes down to treating others with the same respect and consideration you would want if you were going through this monstrous ordeal.

Treatment update

I am happy to report that my liver blood test is still showing that it is in normal range. I also got a email from the cancer center telling me my BMI is over normal range. Nice. However after talking to my doctor she said that it was not something they were concerned with at this time. They just want me to eat. They are well aware that eating can be a hard thing for cancer patients for a variety of reasons like taste changes, loss of appetite, nausea, etc. Besides BMI alone is not a huge deal and some of the side effects from medication is weight gain. She said after chemo we will work on diet changes if it is still an issue. I am cool with that. My diet is all over the place with cravings and how chemo has surely changed what I think tastes good. My blood counts and kidney function are also in normal ranges. I aced this round of blood tests. WOOHOO!!

 

I did have a bit of scare. The Monday morning prior to my doctor's appointment I was woken from a deep sleep from a sharp pain in my left breast. I shot up out of bed and pain subsided. I was freaked out.  Every new pain sends a fear throughout my entire body. Is the cancer spreading? Does this mean my chemo is not working? How much longer do I have on earth? Every time there is a new pain. EVERY TIME. The pain stopped for the rest of day. I felt like a pressure, awareness from the spot but no pain. I called my nurse about it, but since I had appointment in a few days there was no need to come in prior. During my exam they found a spot, but it was determined that it was nothing to worry about because it was not showing red flags. They didn't want me to have testing I don't really need. Since this spot was not showing signs of cancer we are just going to keep an eye on it. I  also have my body scan in a few weeks so that will show more information than an ultrasound.

 

I also have my fourth round of chemo (Herceptin, prejeta and taxotere for my triple positive breast cancer) under my belt. Since my chemo fell on Halloween I decided I would make it fun and dressed up as one of my favorite cartoon characters from my childhood--Jem! My daughter has developed a love for Jem since she can be found on Netflix. She doesn't have to twist my arm to hard to sit and watch a few episodes with her.

 

My nurse told me that she was thrilled to have me as her patient and it totally made her day. I told her that even though I have to be at chemo, doesn't mean I can't have fun. She loved my attitude. Yes, I was the only patient dressed up, but I am okay with that. I got a lot of compliments from other patients and nurses about my costume and how it encouraged them, too.

 

It makes me feel good to be that patient that encourages the staff. My choice from day I heard there was a mass found on my left breast--not knowing yet it was cancer--I said I want this to make me better not bitter. Oh yes I have bad days. I have cancer I'm entitled to have bad days. But, I get up and press on. I also refuse to let cancer keep me from having fun. The fact I'm encouraging my team at the cancer center is just amazing. Never thought it would help them, too. God has plan and part of it is having my nurses in my life. It's because of him I can be positive. He hears my cries and counts my tears. He fills me up with courage. And I'm able to find the glad in the bad. Find humor and fun in such a terrible part of my life. It is a constant choice I have to make. There are days it is harder and overwhelming, but the other days like dressing up as Jem, make up for it.

 

Showing off my "synergy" earrings, my green chucks, hubby dressed as the supportive husband (I called him Rio), showing off our matching team sneakers, me in the chemo chair, my mom dressed as cowgirl and of course laughing our time away watching MST3K.

 

Next up on my treatment plan is my heart test to make sure I am doing okay on one of the medications. It can cause heart issues, but they are unlikely. I am not too worried about it, but prayers would be appreciated.