My goal is sharing all of this is so that people can understand how damaging these words can be. How deep they can wound someone that is already suffering. I would like to think the best of people and that most of the time they don't realize just how they sound. If by sharing my experience it will help someone stop and think about what they are going to say, then hopefully I have spared another person from being hurt. I also hope that I can encourage others going through the trenches that I understand. I know what it is like when people say things without thinking. It can utterly crush our spirit when we need to be uplifted instead.
I think the first one I will touch on is the most recent one. I was contacted by a relative I have never met, so honestly they are pretty much a stranger. They thought it was okay to share their opinions on my chosen treatment for cancer. This is one of the easiest ways to piss me off. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT share your opinions on a cancer patient's chosen treatments. I would recommend you ask them first. Let them know you what have read, have friend that has tried certain methods, etc. ask them if they are interested in hearing more. If they say no, drop it. But for the love all that is good starting off with saying, "I don't know how much you trust your doctors or how much faith you put into the medical system with its "cut, poison, burn" treatment of cancer but I asked a friend who CURED!! herself of breast cancer for advice." is a sure fire way to get your ass kicked off cancer island. Of course I trust my doctors. I do not see my chosen form of treatment as cut, burn, poison either. I see it SURVIVE, SURVIVE, SURVIVE. I did ask this person if they had cancer and of course they said no. I did tell them until they hear those words they really don't know what they will do. As someone who has been diagnosed with stage IV cancer I will do whatever I need to do to stay alive so I can be here for my daughter and husband. So learn from this, ask first and keep your opinions on cancer patient's treatment to yourself. In all honesty, it is really none of your business anyway.
When I was first diagnosed I was contacted by several people on their "miracle product" from their company that sells overpriced items. Of course this miracle product cures cancer, right? Um, yeah. I was dealing with so much that first month and I swear I was getting pitched to daily. I was fed up. I felt like I was being taken advantaged of in my current state. I am trying to make sense of hearing I have stage IV cancer (it's not just "breast cancer", friends) and this person is trying to make money off of my tragedy. I know these products exist and I am not interested. If had been one or two people, I probably wouldn't bother to write about it, but it was several. They found themselves kicked off cancer island early on. I will not put up with people trying to sell me stuff I do not need, especially when I am already dealing with so much as it is. I can assure you your cancer friend already knows what you sell, if they are interested they know where to find you.
During the worst news of my life, everything turned upside down. It was like a complete whirlwind of appointments and tests. I had like two or three a week for several weeks. I barely had time to breathe. I was also trying to process the news of having cancer and overwhelmed with what the hell am I going to do. There was a person in my life at the time that felt it was helpful to constantly invite me to outings. It was not helpful. The events were held while I was at work or during an appointment. I got tired of turning them down and giving the same reasons. They thought it was showing they care, but it really didn't especially when I told them WHY I can't attend. I work and have doctors' appointments and tests for CANCER. If they really cared and wanted me to attend, they would have thought through their invitations. I have another friend that does the right thing, though. Her invites always include plan a, b and c. She knows I am not up to go to a lot of things, but invites to pick up my daughter to participate or invites me to things but always adds, I know that you may not feel up to it, but you are very welcome to come. My advice, if you want to include your cancer friend, include them, but keep in mind they may have cancel last minute. They may love to come but because of medications need a ride. If they are a parent, they also may need childcare. Because our bodies are going through so much, they also may need to just rest. So when you extend that invite, let them know if you can help with a ride, childcare, and that you understand if they are not up to attending but would love if they can, etc.
I just found out I had breast cancer and someone thought that it would be funny to make boob jokes with me. Yeah. I was not cool with that. Mine are trying to kill me, so I didn't find his joke funny at all. Now this person said they didn't realize my cancer was breast cancer and immediately apologized. I don't know if they really didn't know I have breast cancer or if they were trying to cover their butt. I wouldn't have found the joke funny without cancer, but whatever. I would suggest that you take into consideration your relationship with your buddy with cancer. Do you normally make jokes like that and they respond positively? I know with this person, I have never participated in those jokes with them so it wasn't appropriate for our friendship. It may provide a bit of humor and normalcy to their new crazy cancer life. If not, I would highly recommend skipping the joke. If you find yourself making a joke in poor taste and the cancer fighter lets you know, apologize.
I was dealing with some severe sternum pain early on. It was so bad I was taking morphine tablets. I was told once I started chemo it would stop (it has!). However, I started dealing some pain on the left side of my chest. I wasn't sure if it was the sternum pain radiating, if it was the cancer spreading, or what. I called my nurse and she said because of what I was describing it could be a blood clot or something to do with my heart. To be safe, I needed to head to the ER. Okay so I am dealing with cancer, this incredible pain I need morphine for and now I am being sent to ER to rule out anything serious. Great. While I laying there waiting to find out if I have blood clot or a heart issue, while in a an incredible amount of pain, I get a message from someone about the upcoming school year and what teacher their child had and that teacher was the better one. Really? Why would you say something like that to someone in my situation? I don't really know if they knew I was laying my cancer body in the ER consumed with concern about my heart and a blood clot, but even so, why compare teachers? My life is in survival mode and completely turned upside down. So is it really necessary to say things like that to me? My advice? Keep that stuff to yourself. Try to be positive and encouraging.
Ah yes, I caused my cancer from drinking coffee, coke and hot Cheetos. This is an easy one. There are cancers like lung cancer that can--not always--be caused from smoking or choices that you make. You have to be careful with making assumptions that the person caused their cancer. Chances are pretty good, they didn't. Even if their lifestyle did indeed lead to developing cancer, keep that opinion to yourself. It is hurtful and unnecessary. You obviously do not want to be a good friend if you need to say stuff like that. So pack your own bags and leave cancer island.
I got the good cancer or it is only breast cancer. Yeah, since mine is stage IV and cancer kills, no cancer is the "good cancer". Saying "it is only breast cancer" just shows your ignorance. There are so many types of breast cancer and receptors that determine what types treatment work for them. It is so much more than "breast cancer" and there is no one size fits all to it, either. Sadly even if certain types of breast cancer are caught early, there is always a chance of a reoccurrence. So sometimes the fight continues long after what appears that the cancer is gone. Please refrain from saying that it's only breast cancer or I have the good cancer. No cancer is good cancer.
I had someone offer to make my family meal, but I had to pick it up myself. I had to pass on that one. While offering to help someone going through a terrible ordeal is great, adding extra work on the cancer warrior, not helpful. My advice is if you can't complete the gesture, perhaps skip it until you can. Do not add extra work to someone fighting for their life.
Oh yes, those that pass judgment on how I choose to live my life with cancer. Telling me I shouldn't eat this or that. I should only eat this or that. I need to do this or I need to do that. I need to let this go or take the high road. I need to get a second opinion. Someone actually told me I needed to quit my job and spend time with my family since I had stage IV cancer. Now they got all their medical advice online so of course they know what they are talking about. *eye roll* Oh the list of what I should and shouldn't do doesn't end. I really recommend unless the patient comes to you for advice, keep your opinions on what they should/shouldn't do to yourself. We have enough to deal with and worry if we are making the best decisions for our lives as it is, you are just adding much unneeded stress--which I believe you told me I needed to avoid anyway.
"If I found out I had cancer, I would do (insert your internet knowledge here)" I always respond with until you hear those words that you have cancer you really don't know what you would do. You may think you do, but depending on the type and stage you really don't know. The only time this could be acceptable is "If I found out I had cancer, I don't know what I would do." Honestly, though it would probably be best to refrain from saying anything along these lines unless your cancer loved one has asked. I didn't mind when someone would say that they wouldn't know what they would do, because to me they are being honest.
Now these may or may not apply to the person going through cancer. We are all so different and how we handle our diagnosis is going to be different. Just think about what you are saying before you say it. If you do offend them, apologize and try to understand where they are coming from.
I am living in a constant state of loss of control (loss of hair, functions, sleep, normalcy, friends/family because they can't handle cancer, etc.) I am trying to maintain some type of handle on my life. This cancer thing is a constant rollercoaster. I am attempting to do my best and my emotions are heightened and focus is lost. In the midst of my chaos some people, even well-meaning, think have the best advice for me. It's not going to be met with thankfulness nor am I obligated to take the high road if you mess up. You have made a dangerous assumption in assuming you know my situation. Honestly, unless you have had cancer you can not understand. You can think you will know how to handle hearing those life changing words "you have cancer" but until it actually happens to YOU, you do not. The cancer battle isn't even the same for everyone dealing with it. What works for one, may not work for the next. We are all unique and individual in our fight. One thing that is the same for cancer patients is that we are preoccupied with survival and have the right to respond to these remarks in whichever way is best for us. Since we have cancer, we get to call the shots regarding whom we let into our new world. Please respect that.
If that means we must distance ourselves from people that are constantly being negative, trying to sell us stuff we don't need, offering advice that is not welcome, etc. we have right to end the relationship. We have to. We have to do what is right for our well-being. I made the decision to surround myself with positive people. I had a few people that were negative Nellies prior to my cancer diagnosis and took the high road approach for the longest time. Even after hearing I had cancer, I continued, but it became too much. I am not talking about major life events or the every once in awhile bad day. I am talking about the person that can never find anything good to say and is constantly complaining. I couldn't handle it anymore. I have to say that was the best decision I made.
So again, if you are trying to be there for a someone that has cancer, take into account your relationship with that person. I have friend that has been like a sister for the longest time. She can get away with saying a lot more to me than most--but that is our relationship. If someone else said some of the things she has, I can guarantee I would not appreciate it. Run what you want to say through the filter. If you were focused on fighting for your life, preoccupied with your unknown future and the future of your family, etc., would you want someone saying that to you? It really just comes down to treating others with the same respect and consideration you would want if you were going through this monstrous ordeal.
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