The battle with cancer is not just physical. While we are fighting for our physical body, we are also fighting cancer in the emotional, spiritual and psychological realms. With every new ache or pain it comes with worry and fear is it the cancer? Is the cancer winning? It is spreading? Is the chemo and/or medications not working or no longer effective? Worry and fear are tools that the cancer uses to bring us down. It is attempting to use the fear to steal our joy and try to make us forget about the positives in our treatment and facts we do know to be true. This struggle can be daily for some, but it is always in the back of our minds.
It has always important to me to create memories for our daughter with special experiences as a family and even one on one with her parents. It is especially important to me now. What sucks is that when we come home from a fun day cancer likes to rear its ugly head and ask me when I will get to do it again? Will I be hear next year to take her to the event? Is this my last holiday with my family? My goal is that I will beat cancer and be here for as long as possible, but cancer likes to try to rob me from the happiness I have had making a new memory with my family with cluttering my head with worry. Then I pray.
It can even happen after seeing a commercial of a young girl in a wedding dress, or seeing kids graduating from high school. I think about being there for my beautiful daughter on her special days and see her grow up and raising her amazing family. My goal is to hold my grandbabies and hopefully my great-grandbabies like my grandfather who lived to be 91. As cancer tries to rob me from these special events, I pray.
My husband and I have a laundry list of retirement adventures. We started talking about this list when we knew it would be him and me forever. We have a trip to Paris, touring Strat-O-Matic and Scrabble tournaments around the USA, and countless other things on our list. These days Bryan and I might start talking about the future and the excitement for the future adventures with the man of my dreams can quickly dash as cancer tries to scare me I won't be here for those. It is then I pray.
I was told early on to be very careful about reading personal blogs online. Tread lightly. Most of the time they are extremely helpful as far as hearing from someone else that has walked in your shoes even if the details of their cancer is not the same, they still understand what "cancer" feels like. However, sometimes they can cause unneeded worry. Sometimes those details are important because the outcome may be vastly different from your journey. Even if everything IS the same, your body may respond differently from treatment and you end up with different out come. Comparison can be another tool cancer likes to use to cause worry and rob you of your fighting spirit. After reading another blog with devastating information or article of someone that died from this wretched disease. With tears, I pray.
My husband and I have a laundry list of retirement adventures. We started talking about this list when we knew it would be him and me forever. We have a trip to Paris, touring Strat-O-Matic and Scrabble tournaments around the USA, and countless other things on our list. These days Bryan and I might start talking about the future and the excitement for the future adventures with the man of my dreams can quickly dash as cancer tries to scare me I won't be here for those. It is then I pray.
I was told early on to be very careful about reading personal blogs online. Tread lightly. Most of the time they are extremely helpful as far as hearing from someone else that has walked in your shoes even if the details of their cancer is not the same, they still understand what "cancer" feels like. However, sometimes they can cause unneeded worry. Sometimes those details are important because the outcome may be vastly different from your journey. Even if everything IS the same, your body may respond differently from treatment and you end up with different out come. Comparison can be another tool cancer likes to use to cause worry and rob you of your fighting spirit. After reading another blog with devastating information or article of someone that died from this wretched disease. With tears, I pray.
I often feel guilty when I can't do something like play games with my daughter or unable to attend to attend events because I am overcome with pain or fatigue. Most people understand and don't guilt trip me and then there are others that don't get it and pass judgment. Cancer loves to blow those feelings and events way out of proportion. As we fight cancer, we will have limitations but they will pass. I also have begun to get creative about how to spend time with my daughter. I may not always feel up to running around, but we can snuggle and watch movies and read books. I even started a sketch journal with her. If cancer tries make me feel like an awful person because of the limitations it has put on me, I pray.
Sadly there are going to people that can't handle cancer and either walk away from us or we have to kick off cancer island because they cause too much stress and drama. I have had to remove a few people just because they are incredibly negative people. I have enough negative stuff going on, I don't need outside help with that. Cancer likes to remind us or sometimes other people like to judge us for making the choices we needed to. We are fighting for our lives and if we need to remove people for our own mental well-being we need to do it. Any time someone has made a comment about my choice I always say when you are fighting stage IV caner you can do that, but since I am the one fighting stage IV cancer I get to call the shots. Cancer likes to remind us that we "lost" these people and makes us feel bad. I pray.
Sadly there are going to people that can't handle cancer and either walk away from us or we have to kick off cancer island because they cause too much stress and drama. I have had to remove a few people just because they are incredibly negative people. I have enough negative stuff going on, I don't need outside help with that. Cancer likes to remind us or sometimes other people like to judge us for making the choices we needed to. We are fighting for our lives and if we need to remove people for our own mental well-being we need to do it. Any time someone has made a comment about my choice I always say when you are fighting stage IV caner you can do that, but since I am the one fighting stage IV cancer I get to call the shots. Cancer likes to remind us that we "lost" these people and makes us feel bad. I pray.
During treatment there are many tests to see how well the medications are working and making sure the results are coming to the desired results. Even the basic blood count tests can be nerve-wracking. Holding our breath as we wait to hear the results. For the same reasons with every new ache or pain, we worry about what we will find out. It's hard not worry. And it drives me crazy when someone tells me not to--especially when that person hasn't had cancer or even some type of health scare that could even remotely be compared to cancer. Unless you have had to face your own possible mortality, you really don't understand why it is hard not worry. Tonight, in fact, is the evening before I receive the results of my first scan. This scan will tell us what kind of progress, if any, the treatment has had on my cancer. It will also determine the rest of my treatment. I would lie if I said I wasn't freaked out. Cancer likes to swoop in and turn my thoughts to "what ifs". I work myself up and then I am on edge. I have prayed A LOT when my scan was scheduled and since it was taken. I am praying now.
It is a constant battle when fighting cancer at any stage, even after the cancer has been determined to be out of your body. I find it important to remind myself of how far I have come in my treatment so far, the actual facts about my chemo combo, the results of from my tests so far, facts about other patients that have been toe-tagged at stage IV and have been living in remission for many, many years. I also go to my best friend, cheerleader and amazing husband and he always helps remind me how far I have come and I am day closer to beating cancer. I also turn to God and gain strength and courage from him and his word. My hope verse is, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. God whispered these words to me earlier today as I cried out to him and told him my fears.
Cancer wants to win. I want to win more. I will do whatever it takes to beat this and live as long as possible to do all the things I want to do and share my testimony with others. Cancer wants to steal my joy and try to rob me of having hope. It is a power struggle, but it is my faith that sustains me and hope that keeps me going.
So tonight, I pray.
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